all permission was given to post this so don't worry.

I want this to be stated before anyone starts saying thisis due to this or this is due to that.

My existance is empty. I have very few friends most of which i don't even trust.

The majority of my social activity is on thie msg board.

I train my ass off I work 2 jobs, I have sacrificed my social life my love life to fight.

I am being eatten up inside.

I need something aside from my drive to fight.

Its all i wanna do and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to succeed at this but no matter how hard i get, how hard hard i train, someitmes i just want someone to ****in say somehtign nice to me mabye ****in tell me they have my back if i ever need it.

I am for my close friends 100%. I will be at there side at any ****in time any time at all, but i can't see them doing that for me.

There is noone around me that i can fathom even carring about me a bit. not my mother, not my father none of my friends.

it feels as if my entire everything is crumbling around me.

and i'm startin to get ****in weirded out.


mabye this is a culmination of stress and i'm having like a 1 week melt down.

I can't sit still, i don't sleep well, I just keep shaking.


I used ot have really bad panic attacks. I'd have them for like 23 hours a day fully packed in with audio and visual hallucinations.

I never took meds for this. I got over it on my own strength.

I feel as if i'm goin back to how i was when this was happeneing.

somehow this got spawned out of the aim conversation mentioned in the topic.

here is the aim conversation:


Diablo9719: you know what i just realized
Brian: what?
Diablo9719: you knwo why i wouldn't drink
Brian: why?
Diablo9719: It just dawned on me.
Diablo9719: not cause of my health
Brian: cause im an ass when i get drunk?
Diablo9719: not cause it wouldn't help me in the long run
Diablo9719: itscause iw as afraid i'd like it
Diablo9719: I was afradi i'd like it
Brian: o i gotcha
Diablo9719: its that ****in simple
Diablo9719: its insane
Diablo9719: you know what sucks
Diablo9719: I WAS ****IN RIGHT!
Brian: you like it?
Diablo9719: god damn
Diablo9719: do you have any idea how much time i used to spend thinking about gettin ****ed up back in the day?
Diablo9719: ANY IDEA?
Diablo9719: 24 ****in 7
Diablo9719: all the time
Brian: now your startin again?
Diablo9719: and i would do it whenever i had the chance
Diablo9719: i controlled myself very well but man if there was no school and i could go out I WAS ****ED UP
Diablo9719: now mabye its just that i'm unhappy at the moment, kinda depressed, feelin empty inside
Diablo9719: but all i'm thinkin about is goin out, gettin in a fight
Diablo9719: and getting ****ed up
Diablo9719: thats it
Diablo9719: seriously
Diablo9719: what the ****
Brian: id go if i dindt have to wake up early
Brian: i always wanna get drunk and fight
Diablo9719: all my ****in hard work, my ****in god knows how long of sobriety ****in everythign i have ever been proud of ****in gone
Diablo9719: ****in jesus
Diablo9719: like seriously
Diablo9719: for the last 3 or 4 days all i been thinkin about ti man it would be ****in nice to get a bit tipsy and ****
Diablo9719: what the **** am i doin?
Diablo9719: i don't get it
Diablo9719: i'm like eatting ****
Brian: you need to calm down ben
Diablo9719: man I'm drivin home and all I can think is man it woudl be a great idea to **** pull out the old razor kit and do a little carvin like back in 9th grade
Diablo9719: **** man
Diablo9719: i'm nearly teaerin up thinkin about this
Diablo9719: what the hell is goin on
Brian: i dont know man
Diablo9719: **** i need to relax
Brian: yes you do man
Brian: dont cut yourself
Diablo9719: no ****
Diablo9719: I was angry last night and i almost shoved a safety pin through my dick

wow i feel alot better after writing that

I kind of know how you feel man. I've had the same best friends for the last 4 years now, and I would never turn my back on them. You all know I'm by no means popular, but its not like I'm hated, I'm just not popular. Lately I've been going out more and having more fun, but I'm definitely still a loser. Sometimes I get really pissed off at the fact that everyone I work with is going out and having a great time whereas I'll ****ing come home to the computer many a times.

But I have one problem: I can't hold a grudge. I can't name one person that I've talked to and didn't like. Even a couple of *****es at work that I end up working my ass off to cover for their stupidity, no more than a day and I forget I hate them. I can't be angry and I don't even know why. I'd probably be a ****ed up person if it wasn't for the fact that I realize that I just don't ****ing care.

I've never had medical problems, I've never broken a bone, I've run away from every drunken fight (even small dicks that I could flatten), I'm basically an average white kid. Its ****ing ridiculous. Its scary how little I've accomplished in my life with everything going my way.

You just have to relax. People are always trying to do things fast and I don't know why. If you can't fall asleep, don't worry about it, just relax and think about ****. Just let things go, it doesn't matter. You don't need to impress people or anything, just be yourself and relax and you'll meet cool people and have good times.

I know you don't drink, but its my ****ing salvation. Usually I'll just drink once a week, and I can't tell you how many ****ing funny stupid things have happened every week that I'll laugh about for years to come. You just have to find something that you can do to relax and have a good one.

Then again, you're clearly very diffeent from me. I can't be angry whereas clearly you can. If its true that you can't relax then see a doctor. Thinking you can tough out a serious mental issue is like trying to fight obesity with doughnuts.

On the other hand, if I was meant to be a happy relaxed person that can't be angry, maybe you;re on the other end of the spectrum. Maybe you're here for a different reason. You believe in God right? I pretty much lost my belief in God this year when I realized that I had to rely on myself to get things done. I promised God that I would be a good person, and that was that. But if you believe in God, have you ever wondered why he put you here the way he did? Did he specifically make you like this? Why fight it? Why hurt yourself when other people deserve it more...

I cannot hold a grudge either.

I can however be angry but not at anyone BUT myself.

I don't carry agression to others only myself.

the god thing is a mute point i do for me cause nothing and no one else will.

See i don't drink well at least i didn't

now it sounds like a damn good escape to me.

Everything in moderation.


Well except posting.