Q: What do you tell a women with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, she's already been told twice.

Q: What's wrong when your wife is telling you to mow the lawns?
A: You've made the chain to the kitchen sink too long.

Q: Why did the women cross the road?
A: That's not the point, wtf is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q: What do you do if the dishwasher breaks down?
A: Slap the *****.

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Let the ***** cook in the dark.

- J.

q: how many women does it take to make a pie?

a: half her decapitated head.

Come on guys!

Sure we can muster up more sexist jokes!

- J.

I dont know any, I'm a politically correct guy.

Originally posted by Magic Man
q: how many women does it take to make a pie?

a: half her decapitated head.

Then wtf is this?

- J.

What Men Mean

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you" = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out

Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk

I think we should just be friends = You're ugly

I've learned a lot from you = Next

- J.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

- J.

Originally posted by The Jake
Then wtf is this?

- J.

sorry, I dont get it either.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing maching will never be able to support you..

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink

Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

- J.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

- J.

heh, some of those are good :)

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told!

Q: Whats the problem with battered house wives?
A: They don't *SMACK* ****ING *SMACK* LISTEN!!!

One of my mates and I were throwing these back and forth for ages. That and going through old emails finds a plethora of handy joke material (usually from Seldom! LOL!).

- J.

Arju is gonna kick your ass

but not for another 3 days...whore it up jarrod!

HAHAHAHAHA

Yeah probably. :)

She just laughs at these usually.

Then makes me get her ****ing coffee whilst she's browsing the forum....

- J.

Besides which, Hojak attacked my masculinity called me a feminist sympathiser or some ****. So I feel compelled to uphold my sense of honor.

- J.

i am a feminist sympothiser.

I am on a feminist mailing list and in clubs and ****.

Well **** me, aren't you just a sensitive boy?

***.

http://members.optushome.com.au/thejake/ghey/sean-gay.jpg

- J.

Q:What do all battered women have in common?
A: They didnt listen.

Q: What is the first thing a battered women does when she gets out of the womens shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's best for her.

Q:Why is a woman's ***** like a warm toilet seat?
A:They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

Q:What is the smartest thing to come out of a womens mouth?
A:Einstein's ****

Q:What is the best thing about a blow job?
A:Ten minutes silence

Q:What do you call the useless piece of skin around the *****?
A:A woman.

I hope you like those jokes The Jake. There is more to come.

I like that second last one best.

- J.

Q: Why is a woman like a laxetive?
A: Becauce thay both irritate the **** out of you.

Q:What are the three reasons that anal sex is beter than virginal sex?
A:It's tighter, it feels good,and it's more degrading to women.

Q:What's the differance detween a ***** and a cunt?
A:A ***** is warm and wonderful,a cunt owns one.

Q: Whats the differance between your **** and your pay check?
A: You dont have to beg a woman to blow your pay check.

Q:Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q:How are women like carpets?
A:If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

Q:How many men does it take to clean a toilet?
A:None. IT'S A WOMENS JOB!

hehehehehehe...keep em coming Lenny

The best thing about these "jokes" is, they arent even jokes. They are the truth. Poor *****es. I love this "joke". I shall tell it again.


Q:What do you call the useless piece of skin around the *****?
A:A woman.

pwn3d!

Originally posted by submission_guy
pwn3d!

Aint that the mutha****in truth!!!!!

Lenny, you're a class act mate.... reading your posts I feel enlightened and empowered to treat all women everywhere like the second class citizens they are!

Dammit I'm going to kick my sister upside the head and throw the frying pan at mum and tell her to cook my eggs!

(I am so dead now...)

- J.

Lenny is the man, he knows how women should be treated, like garbage.

Least likely to get married: Lenny.

- J.

Originally posted by zioxoiz
Lenny is the man, he knows how women should be treated, like garbage.

Treat them like garbage and they come back for more. I dont know why but it is true. Well it is true the hotter they are. It is also true if they dont have agood relationship with there dad or a relationship at all. I like those kids of girls.

amen.

Originally posted by TuffGuy
Treat them like garbage and they come back for more. I dont know why but it is true. Well it is true the hotter they are. It is also true if they dont have agood relationship with there dad or a relationship at all. I like those kids of girls.

I've debated this point endlessly.

Why do girls keep coming back to guys who treat them like crap??

I've seen it time and time again.

Popular theory one of my mates came up with (no wait, it was my dad I think!) that chicks think they can "change them".

Only female arrogance and ego could instigate such hubris!

I said that to my dad and he nodded at me. Mum wasn't impressed.

- J.

Very true The Jake. Guys meet a girl and hope she never changes. A girl meets a guy and thinks she can change him. I tell you they will never learn.

its true, dumb ass girls like the bad boy and think they can change him, **** that noise, he jsut sits back and watches her run around in circles for him. idiots.

Some girls are smart enough to realise that their guy is ok as is. When they start trying to "change you" though, I swear, goddamn klaxon alarms should be going off in your head. and in big neon letters the word...

http://members.optushome.com.au/thejake/misc/sever.jpg

- J.

I do have to comend these girls though. If we didnt we woulodnt have strippers, ****stars, hookers and Allison.

You know what I *really* hate?

When chicks tell you to ditch your friends.

That is prolly the most destructive thing a woman can do to her man. And if the man has any sense, he should tell her to pack her bags and tell her story walking.

Friends are usually there before that person entered their life and should always be there, unless something completely horrible has ****ed it. I've seen it with so many friends and so many friendships end because of it, this will never happen to me I swear.

The friends that a person has, rightly or wrongly, helps define that person. They don't define them in and by themselves, but they shape and affect them. Often to help create the person they originally fell for.

Also, friendship are bonds that are forged from trust, time and interdependancy. It takes so much to make friends, and I mean a real friendship. The sort where you trust your life with another person and they trust theirs with yours. That's the friendship I'm talking about.

And no person should ever think they have the right to arbitrarily call an end to that. Anyone that probably has no idea what a real friendship is, or trust, or loyalty and is probably a chick you shouldn't consider dating.

- J.

Originally posted by The Jake
You know what I *really* hate?

When chicks tell you to ditch your friends.

That is prolly the most destructive thing a woman can do to her man. And if the man has any sense, he should tell her to pack her bags and tell her story walking.

Friends are usually there before that person entered their life and should always be there, unless something completely horrible has ****ed it. I've seen it with so many friends and so many friendships end because of it, this will never happen to me I swear.

The friends that a person has, rightly or wrongly, helps define that person. They don't define them in and by themselves, but they shape and affect them. Often to help create the person they originally fell for.

Also, friendship are bonds that are forged from trust, time and interdependancy. It takes so much to make friends, and I mean a real friendship. The sort where you trust your life with another person and they trust theirs with yours. That's the friendship I'm talking about.

And no person should ever think they have the right to arbitrarily call an end to that. Anyone that probably has no idea what a real friendship is, or trust, or loyalty and is probably a chick you shouldn't consider dating.

- J.

Basically, set the tone in the begining. If you let her tell you what to do from the start that is what she becomes acustomed too. I know people want to make the right impression but c'mon, dont do the wrong thing for some ass. Tell people how you feel at the begining of the relationship. if you do that then they cant cpmplaon later when things arent working out. You wont have to hear them say I didnt know you did or didnt like this or that.

Originally posted by The Jake
HAHAHAHAHA

Yeah probably. :)

She just laughs at these usually.

Then makes me get her ****ing coffee whilst she's browsing the forum....

- J.


hahahahaha

Yeah that's right.

As long as you guys don't take the jokes for real I won't have to ***** slap you. ;)

In those last few posts you guys have a point, girls that try and chacge you to fit in some little box they have in mind, is just wrong.

Originally posted by Magic Man
q: how many women does it take to make a pie?

a: half her decapitated head.


I laughed so hard from this joke. I must be tired.

Originally posted by Aaron Misery
I laughed so hard from this joke. I must be tired.

You laughed so hard because it is funny.

and true.

Originally posted by ArjukanpoKarate
hahahahaha

Yeah that's right.

As long as you guys don't take the jokes for real I won't have to ***** slap you. ;)

http://home.cogeco.ca/~lnickerson3/owned%20copy.jpg

Great picture and avatar Creed. I love it.