Yes, ladies and gentlemen! This is the Joke thread. Post 'em here! I'll go first

*Ahem*

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
:D

Yes, ladies and gentlemen! This is the Joke thread. Post 'em here! I'll go first

*Ahem*

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
:D

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v107/DrCynical/emoticons/icon_lol.gifNice, did you make this thread because of my contest?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v107/DrCynical/emoticons/icon_lol.gifNice, did you make this thread because of my contest?

He probably did, lol :D

Heres one for you

A blond highschool girl, wearing a skirt,
walks home from school. She is confronted by 3 guys.
They say to her
"If you climb up this pole, we'll give you $20."
She then says,
"Okay."

So she starts climbing the pole. As she climbs up
the pole, they look up her skirt. She climbs back
down, and they give her $20. She runs home
to tell her mom.
"Mommie, Mommie, Look, I made $20"

Her mom says, "How did you make $20?"

She replies, "These boys said that If I climb
a pole, they would give me $20."

Her mom gasps, "WHAT? Don't ever do that again,
they are just trying to look at your panties."

The next day as she walks home from school, she
is again confronted by the same 3 guys.
They asked her to do the same thing, but she
tells them,
"No, my mommie told me not to."

The guys then decide to convince her by raising the
price, "How about we give you $100?"

After some thought, she says, "Okay"

She runs home again and says,
"Mommie Mommie, I just made $100 by climbing up a pole."

Her mom yells, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO DO THAT?"

She says, "I know, you told me that they just wanted to look
at my panties. Thats why I'm not wearing any!"

He probably did, lol :D

Heres one for you

A blond highschool girl, wearing a skirt,
walks home from school. She is confronted by 3 guys.
They say to her
"If you climb up this pole, we'll give you $20."
She then says,
"Okay."

So she starts climbing the pole. As she climbs up
the pole, they look up her skirt. She climbs back
down, and they give her $20. She runs home
to tell her mom.
"Mommie, Mommie, Look, I made $20"

Her mom says, "How did you make $20?"

She replies, "These boys said that If I climb
a pole, they would give me $20."

Her mom gasps, "WHAT? Don't ever do that again,
they are just trying to look at your panties."

The next day as she walks home from school, she
is again confronted by the same 3 guys.
They asked her to do the same thing, but she
tells them,
"No, my mommie told me not to."

The guys then decide to convince her by raising the
price, "How about we give you $100?"

After some thought, she says, "Okay"

She runs home again and says,
"Mommie Mommie, I just made $100 by climbing up a pole."

Her mom yells, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO DO THAT?"

She says, "I know, you told me that they just wanted to look
at my panties. Thats why I'm not wearing any!"

I've heard of that one before.
Got any more?

I've heard of that one before.
Got any more?

A man was drunk at a bar. He was pretty messed up,
so he decided to go home. He tries to stand up,
but falls down. He crawls a little bit,
then tries to stand again, only to fall down again.
This continues all the way to his home. He
crawls up into bed.

In the morning, his wife wakes him up by smacking
him in the head,
"You've been drinking again, haven't you?"

He replies, "How did you know?"

She says, "The bar called this morning, you
forgot your wheelchair again!"

A man was drunk at a bar. He was pretty messed up,
so he decided to go home. He tries to stand up,
but falls down. He crawls a little bit,
then tries to stand again, only to fall down again.
This continues all the way to his home. He
crawls up into bed.

In the morning, his wife wakes him up by smacking
him in the head,
"You've been drinking again, haven't you?"

He replies, "How did you know?"

She says, "The bar called this morning, you
forgot your wheelchair again!"
lol Any others?
I'm liking this thread so far.

lol Any others?
I'm liking this thread so far.

This one blonde goes to see a doctor.
She walks into the doctors office,
and tells him, "I'm in pain."

The doctor asks, "Where are you hurt?"

She replies, "I hurt everywhere."
The doctor then says, "Show me
where you hurt."

She then pokes her nose and says,"OWW."
Next she pokes her knee and says,"OWW."
She then pokes he stomach and says, "OWW."
"See, I feel pain wherever I touch."

The doctor is perplexed, he's never heard
of such a thing. He then pokes her nose,
"Does this hurt?"

She says, "No, amazing, you've cured me."

The doctor bursts out in laughter. He
could barely contain himself as he says
to her, "You've got a broken finger!"

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v107/DrCynical/emoticons/icon_lol.gifNice, did you make this thread because of my contest?

pfft... dont be too proud of your self boy! your head is starting to bloat...people will do this for this thread and not for you. do you realy see yourself in everybody's life? get outta here!

am goin to post a joke and this a true story:

"Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said am Jose, "Dr_Cynical was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

hmmp...hmmmp...bwhahahaha!!!! :p

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v107/DrCynical/emoticons/icon_lol.gifNice, did you make this thread because of my contest?

i have another nice story. again a true story of Dr_Cynical's life when he was in prison:

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor I am Jose, and I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second man.

"Well, your honor am Dr_Cynical, and I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is my ******* before prison...' "

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the
heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a
gynecologist."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescri<a target="_blank" href="http://searchmiracle.com/text/search.php?qq=Bed">bed</a> testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

Okay, they're all good, but that one take's the cake!

Okay, they're all good, but that one take's the cake!

wow... made you laugh twice today... :D How about spreading some good karma my way? :)

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.
So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality.
"I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."
The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. But the leathersmith presented to him only a wallet. "All those foreskins and you make for me only a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.
The leathersmith replied, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

wow... made you laugh twice today... :D How about spreading some good karma my way? :)

Just did it

thanks.... gave you some too before I even asked. :D

A blind man walks into a bar.

What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything

thanks.... gave you some too before I even asked. :D

Cool. I've got to log off long enough to run a scan for viruses and see what the problem is with admittance to the store. The ex is trying everything he can; wish me luck!

A blind man walks into a bar.

hahahaha dat **** is too funny
took me a sec to get it

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat. The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an ******* when you're drunk."

i have another nice story. again a true story of Dr_Cynical's life when he was in prison:

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up rugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor I am Jose, and I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second man.

"Well, your honor am Dr_Cynical, and I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is my ******* before prison...' "


I dont ever remeber a poster on the internet who brings up Gays more than this kid.

Two families move from Afghanistan to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet: In a year’s time, whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, “Today I had a McDonalds breakfast, bought a case of Budweiser, and I’m about to pick my son up from football practice in my brand-new SUV. How about you?”
The second guy says, “**** off, terrorist.”

This one is dumb. But I am not good with jokes.

There was once a boy who was born without a torso and was just a head. On his 21st birthday, he got a present from his parents and said "AW no, not another ****ing hat!!!"

I dont ever remeber a poster on the internet who brings up Gays more than this kid.
It's his way of finding dates here.

I dont ever remeber a poster on the internet who brings up Gays more than this kid.

well, you forgot you brought yourself in here frequntly enough... LOL!:D

It's his way of finding dates here.

aw! i thought you've got it over with with your jealousy. i guess it just keeps haunting you everytime you see me. LOL!

here's another joke i dedicate for you:p Dr_Cynical AKA Johnny:

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Moore. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me!!, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

The Horth Whisthperer

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female
horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nithe eyeths, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under
his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's
twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up,
sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I
thee her wun awound a widdlebit?

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Love it! (Sorry for messing up the thread)

as a child i used to visit my grandparents for the weekend sometimes. i think mom and pops needed some alone time if ya know what i mean. anyway, my grandparents used to live on a southern plantation home where all you could see was fields of corn and cotton from the front porch. well on sundays they would sit out there on that porch and listen to the preacher man on the radio. i remember i was playing and over heard part of the sermon. the preacher man says "well i feel some healin' powers comin on. listeners, close yer eyes and place your hand where you need healin the most" well grandma had place her hand on her heart cause she had already been through one attach. her curiousity getting the better of her she looked over sneakily at my grampa to see what he needed healed. when she saw his hand down his trousers she jumped up and screamed "damnit chuck! he said he was gonna do some healin. not raise the dead!"

Love it! (Sorry for messing up the thread)

your not messing it up at all. your just letting us know we're doing a good job. thanx

your not messing it up at all. your just letting us know we're doing a good job. thanx

I love them all, but the lawyer joke and the horse whisperer ones made me laugh the most. I called everybody (of adult age) in the house to the computer to read them. Great stuff! :D

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,"You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."



:D


The best beer drinking tale ever!!!

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the
lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyser test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.


:D

and finally


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She
stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin"
'I know' she replies, 'And I'm gonna get tits too'.

no offence to anyone but thery are the cleanest I could find! :D

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being “behind the power curve”. It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle…at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that “edge” so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect…
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it—it was that close.
I hate to run over animals…and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe, “Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street…and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in…well…I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street…on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle…my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand…I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked…sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger…
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car…
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

Now that's halarious....you got "whupped" by a squirrel. Talk about bad luck! Atleast the cop's not only had to deal with the little devil, but it got you off of God know's how many bogus charges! You really should thank the squirrel. :D

Now that's halarious....you got "whupped" by a squirrel. Talk about bad luck! Atleast the cop's not only had to deal with the little devil, but it got you off of God know's how many bogus charges! You really should thank the squirrel. :D

thanks the squirrel?
that basterd caused everything
but thats one crazy ass story
same thing happened to me yesterday
what are the odds of that?
and i wasnt riden valkier or whatever
i was on my vespa
lmao jk
or am i?

thanks the squirrel?
that basterd caused everything
but thats one crazy ass story
same thing happened to me yesterday
what are the odds of that?
and i wasnt riden valkier or whatever
i was on my vespa
lmao jk
or am i?

I was just joking with him...adding insult to injury, so to speak..but you know, it may have kept him out of jail, you never know :D

I was just joking with him...adding insult to injury, so to speak..but you know, it may have kept him out of jail, you never know :D Can you imagine what the charge would be for throwing a pissed off squirrel at 2 cops?? Funny stuff!

I was just joking with him...adding insult to injury, so to speak..but you know, it may have kept him out of jail, you never know :D

o but maybe he'd rather be in jail
:D <---- tiny
:eek: <----- big pappy

jk lol

A bear is in the forest walking with his date when he get a sharp pain in his stomach.
He excuse himself and goes to the restroom (behind some trees)
He walks in and sees a few different animals in there, so he decides to take a dump.
While he is chilling there a rabbit starts conversation with him, the bear ask the rabbit if he ever get pieces of **** stuck on the hairs of his ass.
The Rabbit replies, hell no. The bear said OK! and picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

I have to keep it clean for you young ones out there

Can you imagine what the charge would be for throwing a pissed off squirrel at 2 cops?? Funny stuff!

Agrivated Assualt with an aggrivated squirrel ?

Agrivated Assualt with an aggrivated squirrel ?

Assault with a deadly furball ?

that is supossed to be a true story from what i have been told.

that is supossed to be a true story from what i have been told.

That is what makes it so funny!! Only in real life; some thing's just cant be made up. :D

Assault with a deadly furball ?


lol maybe
maybe theyd make it a race thing if it was brown squirrel
den hed be fuked
hate crime

lol maybe
maybe theyd make it a race thing if it was brown squirrel
den hed be fuked
hate crime

Oh yeah, much more time for a hate crime :D

so where u at right now tracy?
work home prison?
lol

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph... "I've got the airbag!"

hey guys! i got another true story of Jose. Here's his story when he was a HIPPIE!...

A hippie named Jose gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. Then Jose looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to Jose, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". Jose says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. Jose decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying Jose jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. Jose agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie Jose finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

so where u at right now tracy?
work home prison?
lol

Home...fighting with my daughter over the computer! :D

The Horth Whisthperer

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female
horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nithe eyeths, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under
his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's
twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up,
sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I
thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
gyahahahahaha.... funny.... :D

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg???



Give it a blowjob

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees
FROM: Communications Services
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.

Thank You.

Boss in General
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-****) :D

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg???



Give it a blowjob

lmao hahahahhaha thats some funny ****
maybe i should start humpen chicks legs :)

Home...fighting with my daughter over the computer! :D

chick fight
nice!
i can picture it now
wait how old is your daughter
either way if shes too young ill just picture and older mature daughter
lol hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

chick fight
nice!
i can picture it now
wait how old is your daughter
either way if shes too young ill just picture and older mature daughter
lol hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

She's only 11, but because I'm so short she's already almost as tall as me...but she'll always be a small person (poor kid inherited it )

She's only 11, but because I'm so short she's already almost as tall as me...but she'll always be a small person (poor kid inherited it )

ahhh only 11
well im gona go ahead and picture an 18 yr old rebelious daughter
who developed way to soon lol
my mom and sis same thing
sis is like 13
and taller den my mom
but rest of us, my bros
are pretty tall well for mexicans
lol

ahhh only 11
well im gona go ahead and picture an 18 yr old rebelious daughter
who developed way to soon lol
my mom and sis same thing
sis is like 13
and taller den my mom
but rest of us, my bros
are pretty tall well for mexicans
lol

Sound's like you have a houseful! Should make for entertaining weekend's when everyone is usually home at once :D

Sound's like you have a houseful! Should make for entertaining weekend's when everyone is usually home at once :D

lemme brake it down for ya
theres my mom n dad
older brother
ME
younger sister
younger brother
speaking of entertaining weekend
i gots a prob
one my cuzn shes haven her bday and i think its one the important ones like 15 or 16
but theyre haven the party the nite of my boy roy's fight
and i dont think they got hbo
bumb ass mexicans lol

lemme brake it down for ya
theres my mom n dad
older brother
ME
younger sister
younger brother
speaking of entertaining weekend
i gots a prob
one my cuzn shes haven her bday and i think its one the important ones like 15 or 16
but theyre haven the party the nite of my boy roy's fight
and i dont think they got hbo
bumb ass mexicans lol

Cant you set your vcr at home to tape it while you go to the party? Make everybody happy. Or, do you just have to watch it live?? :D

Cant you set your vcr at home to tape it while you go to the party? Make everybody happy. Or, do you just have to watch it live?? :D

ya ill prolly have to do that
but live is just so special
lol
i hope i dont hear who won
i mean how roy wins before i watch it

ya ill prolly have to do that
but live is just so special
lol
i hope i dont hear who won
i mean how roy wins before i watch it

Man, IF, and I do mean IF, Jones was to get beat, the look on your face and the faces of all his fan's would be priceless!! If the unthinkable happens, I'll be nice and not rub it in :D

Man, IF, and I do mean IF, Jones was to get beat, the look on your face and the faces of all his fan's would be priceless!! If the unthinkable happens, I'll be nice and not rub it in :D

lol Id apprciate that
man that would fuken suck if roy lost
but it wold all be the fukin hurricans fault
lol

lol Id apprciate that
man that would fuken suck if roy lost
but it wold all be the fukin hurricans fault
lol

But of course, it has to be somebody's fault. I posted long ago that fighter's records should look like this....12-2-0 (2) as in, a place for wins, losses, draws, and excuses :p
Him losing might suck for you, but at Tracy's house (a little RJJ imitation there!) it would be PARTY TIME!!!

But of course, it has to be somebody's fault. I posted long ago that fighter's records should look like this....12-2-0 (2) as in, a place for wins, losses, draws, and excuses :p
Him losing might suck for you, but at Tracy's house (a little RJJ imitation there!) it would be PARTY TIME!!!

alright well if he loses
then i know where the partys at
:D

alright well if he loses
then i know where the partys at
:D

Exactly!! ;)

Exactly!! ;)

Nice :cool:

Man, IF, and I do mean IF, Jones was to get beat, the look on your face and the faces of all his fan's would be priceless!! If the unthinkable happens, I'll be nice and not rub it in :D

Tracylee, you know how to brag. I think it is good. It is fun to brag. I will try to be on your side always, because I want to brag too.

lemme brake it down for ya
theres my mom n dad
older brother
ME
younger sister
younger brother
speaking of entertaining weekend
i gots a prob
one my cuzn shes haven her bday and i think its one the important ones like 15 or 16
but theyre haven the party the nite of my boy roy's fight
and i dont think they got hbo
bumb ass mexicans lol

lol isnt this really a no brainer no one important is fighting and there is a quinceñera going on where girls of all ages attend, hmmm... :p

Tracylee, you know how to brag. I think it is good. It is fun to brag. I will try to be on your side always, because I want to brag too.

Honey that was mocking, not bragging. I dont have a conceited bone in my body. I like to aggrivate the Jones fan's; they're use to it by now :D

Tracylee, there is a boy on this forum who is my friend. His name is Nautilus. If you ever see a post from him, and you have an opportunity to send good Karma, please send good Karma to him. He is very kind. I will tell him to send you good Karma too.

Tracylee, there is a boy on this forum who is my friend. His name is Nautilus. If you ever see a post from him, and you have an opportunity to send good Karma, please send good Karma to him. He is very kind. I will tell him to send you good Karma too.

I dont know if he'll do that or not; we have disagreed on view's, etc..in the past, but I have no problem sending him some since you asked me too :)

Tracylee thank you. He will send good Karma to you. He is very kind. I will help you get Kepsy out of the red too. Thank you again Tracylee.

37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they
should
go to college so they could get ahead. Bubba went in first, and
the professor advises him to take Math,History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.

"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the
professor went on.

That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a
house. Is that right?"

"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of
by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang
I
ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into
the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.

"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.

"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a
weed-eater?"

"No." says Cooter.

"You're Queer, aintcha?"

>John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty,
>how
>do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can
give
>to
>me?"
>
>"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself
>with intelligent people."
>
>Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
>intelligent?"
>
>The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
>answer
>an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please
>send Tony Blair in here,
>
>would you?"
>
>Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
>
>The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father
>have
>a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"
>
>Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
>
>"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
>
>Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential
choice
the
>same question.
>
>"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's
>not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
>
>"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that
one."
>Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an
>answer.
>Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
shoes

>in
>the next stall.
>
>Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and
father
>have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
>
>Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
>
>Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak
with
>Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that
riddle.
>It's
>Colin Powell."
>
>Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into
his
>face,
>"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

> > >On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to
play
> > >together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a
bog
> > and
> > >began to
> > >sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get
> > the
> > >farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving
at the
> > >farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for he
> > had
> > >gone ! to town with the only tractor.
> > >
> > >Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding
the
> > keys
> > >in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping
he
> > still
> > >had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was
> > >surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny
Harley,
and
> > he
> > >managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him.
> > After
> > >tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken
> > >then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
> > >powerful bike, rescued the horse!
> > >
> > >Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and
> > the
> > >farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
> > >
> > >The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best,
> > >Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he
> > too,
> > >began
> > >to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought
a
> > !
> > >moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath,
> > he
> > >
> > >told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then
lift
him
> > >out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled
him
up
> > >and out,
> > >saving his life.
> > >
> > >The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)
> > >"When you're Hung like a Horse, You Don't Need a Harley to Pick up
> > Chicks!"

ahahhaha those last three jokes are good ones
but i have to say
the redneck logic is by far the funniest

When I was young, I used to go to a lot of weddings and my grandmother and all her friends used to poke me while saying "you're next! you're next!". They stopped doing that when I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Nervously, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." With trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles! , turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.


The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

An old man is getting a physical and at the end, the Doctor told him that he needs a sperm sample.

He gave him a jar and told him to bring back the next day.

Well, the next day he goes back to the Doctor's office and returns the jar, as clean as when he got it.

The Doctor asked him what had happened.

Well, it was like this Doc, I tried with my left hand, nothing.

I tried with my right hand, still nothing.

Then I asked my wife to help, she tried with her right hand, nothing, she tried with her left hand, still nothing.

We even asked the neighbor to help, she tried with both hands, between her knees, even with her mouth, still no good.

The Doctor was in shock, " I can't believe you got the neighbor involved"

We tried everything, Doc, we just couldn't get the lid off!

An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!

An old deer hunter named Virgil, dressed head to foot in camoflage, went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the deer hunter and asked him, "Are you a real deer hunter?"

To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life in the woods, tracking deer, stalking deer and shooting deer, so yes, I guess I am a real deer hunter." After a short while he asked her what she was.


She replied, "I've never been in the woods. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV everything makes me think about women."

A short while later she left, and the deer hunter ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real deer hunter?"

The deer hunter replied, "Well I always thought I was a deer hunter, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded, and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus.

The husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus now, so shut the hell up!"

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a Pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells,

Dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

...including the curtain rods.

Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches.

Finally, in desperation and after years of misery, he sought medical advice. Many tests later the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis.

The doctor said, "Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice ... Cut 'em.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person - he could make a new beginning and live a new life.

Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Jim tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jim admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Jim and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."

Jim was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years!"
Jim tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Jim was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed his feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E." Jim was astonished,

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped

back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Jim laughed, "Ah hah I got you!

I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, no, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him in a most intimate way.

"Does that feel better", she asked.

"It feels absolutely great", he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage,you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney Australia some months ago for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

--------------------------------------

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!"

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out".

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address

microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14".

With folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "**** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Smitty left Belfast and moved to Toronto and brought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey next day.

The following day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news the donkey died last night,"

"Well den said Smitty, "Jus' give my money back den."

"I can't do that sir, I spent it already'.

"O.K. den. Jus unload dat dead donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him?"

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Irish git!"

Well dat's where you're wrong. You wait and you'll learn how smart we Irish people are!"

A month later, the farmer ran into Smitty and asked What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off.

I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back......

A blond gets a job at a toy factory making Tickle Me Elmos. The foreman takes her to her station and gives her instructions, then goes back to his office.
An hour later, he looks out and sees the line is halted. He goes down the line looking for the holdup. When he comes to the blonde's station, he sees she has a big pile of Elmos. He watches her take 2 marbles, drop them in a little bag and carefully sew the bag between Elmo's legs.

He rolls his eyes and says, "Let's go over this one more time. Your job is to give Elmo two... test... TICKLES!"

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, move to Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS ! !"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,

"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the stomach and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to open the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you .... there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. Why...........What did you think I said?"

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
>my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!" Well, the hours
>passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit
>loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in
>the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband
>would probably wake up, I cuckooed 9 times. I was really proud of myself
>for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally
>smashed), in
>order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband
>asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem
>mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new
>cuckoo clock." I asked him why and he said, "Well, last night our clock
>cuckooed
>three times, then said, "Oh crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
>throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
>tripped over the coffee table and farted."

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired
> > >and discouraged men.
> > >
> > >Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything! Just
send a
> > copy
> > >of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and
> > >discontent.
> > >
> > >Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the
manwhose
> > >name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name
tothe
> > >bottom of the list.
> > >
> > >When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them
is
bound
> >
> > >to be better than the one you already have.
> > >
> > >At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already
received
> > >184 women, of whom four were worth keeping. This chain also brings
good
> > >luck.
> > >
> > >One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy
> > >playmate. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother
was
> > able
> > >to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
> > >
> > >You can be lucky too!! But DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke
the
> > chain
> > >and got his wife back again.
> > >
> > >Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
> > >
> > >Bill Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >Billy Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >Billie Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >B. Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >William Jefferson Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >W. Jefferson Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >W. Jeff Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >W. J. Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >W. Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >William J. Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >Willem Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >Wilhelm Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >Willie Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >NewYork, NY 10017
> > >
> > >Will Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017
> > >
> > >Mr. Hillary Clinton
> > >780 3rd Ave.
> > >New York, NY 10017

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment."

But then Mike realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and his friends would have left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning..

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of$5,000 and observes what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man is impressed, and thinks for a long time about what each woman has done with the money he's given them.

Then, he marries the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.

He had ****ed hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a pea****.

I was just wondering if you were my son."

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him.

He does the honest thing, and stops even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection behind him.
As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.

He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door.
She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on.

She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds,"Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out".

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.

So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee.

What do you have to say tonight? He looked her up and down, and replied,

"Mission accomplished

An Italian man enters his favorite glamorous restaurant. While sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of fine wine to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 8 inches in your pants.

The man, after reading the note, sends his own note back to her and it read: Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, and a Jaguar convertible in my garage; I have over twenty million dollars in the bank, But, not for any woman, even as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Please send back the bottle."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.

You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. You can't get cancer, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow ... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt ... you're dead anyhow. What about drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).

It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

I dont ever remeber a poster on the internet who brings up Gays more than this kid.
damien "the omen" corso was obsessed with em :p

aw! i thought you've got it over with with your jealousy. i guess it just keeps haunting you everytime you see me. LOL!

here's another joke i dedicate for you:p Dr_Cynical AKA Johnny:

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

is thier something ive missed or are potatoes now a fruit?????

does anyone read these jokes?

does anyone read these jokes?

I did read some

i read em all..i also copied loads to a folder....now i got a load of cool jokes to unleash on my friends..thansk yall

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''

does anyone read these jokes?

My kid's beem sick so I'm just now getting to page 3....let me catch up!! :D

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
short yet extremely funny....bit like the end of dumb and dumber (i actually watched it) :p
i donated ya 100points and some karma :)

does anyone read these jokes?

i readem all da time
when im at school
"doing" my work
i just kick back and have some laughs

So many of them are so funny; but big pappys "horse whisperer" is still my favorite. :D

An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig.
The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that.
"That's obvious", she answers. "The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer".

An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig.
The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that.
"That's obvious", she answers. "The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer".

lmao now dat is too fukin funny
hahahahahha

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me ...
and as we finish summer we all could use a little calm. By following
the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner
peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you've started". So I looked around the house to see
all the things I started and hadn't finished ... and before leaving the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of
white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some
valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how
freakin good I feel ..



You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace ...

is "inner peace" your term for "insanity" :D

or do you usually go for a drink n drug ****tail :D

keep the jokes coming...i hope this post never dies

>>> >A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the
>>> >aisles. The sales clerk notices him and asks if she can
>>> >help him.. He answers that he is looking for a box of
>>> >tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
>>> >aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
>>> >cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter, She says,
>>> >confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
>>> >tampons for your wife.." He answers, "You see, it's like
>>> >this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
>>> >carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of
>>> >tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's
>>> >soooooooooooo much cheaper. I figure if I have to roll my
>>> >own, so does she."

A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so
stupid
>>> >and
>>> >so
>>> >beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded "Allow me to
>>> >explain.
>>> >God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made
me
>> stupid
>>> >so I would be
>>> >attracted to you."

Stop me if your have heard this...
Why do wifes have sex with their eyes closed??






Because they cant stand to see their husband having fun.

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
>
>The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
>"Yes, Father, it is."
>
>"And, who was the woman you were with?"
>"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
>
>"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
>tell
>me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
>"I cannot say."
>
>"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
>"I'll never tell."
>
>"Was it Liz Shannon?"
>"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
>
>"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
>"My lips are sealed."
>
>"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
>"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>
>The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
>Shaughnessy,
>and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. "You cannot
>attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
>Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
>"What'd you get?"
>
>"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
>
>The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
>"Yes, Father, it is."
>
>"And, who was the woman you were with?"
>"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
>
>"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
>tell
>me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
>"I cannot say."
>
>"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
>"I'll never tell."
>
>"Was it Liz Shannon?"
>"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
>
>"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
>"My lips are sealed."
>
>"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
>"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>
>The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
>Shaughnessy,
>and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. "You cannot
>attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
>Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
>"What'd you get?"
>
>"Three month's vacation and five good leads"

i had this happen to me too!

SON SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to
find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set
up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber café.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother
downloaded from dad's memory stick.

As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little
virus appeared.

And that's the story.

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me ...
and as we finish summer we all could use a little calm. By following
the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner
peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you've started". So I looked around the house to see
all the things I started and hadn't finished ... and before leaving the
house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of
white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some
valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how
freakin good I feel ..



You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace ...

Nice....love it! :)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!"

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm ****ing nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm ****ing nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"bit lame.....sorry...all three in fact

A man called YIPPEE is smoking a cigerette when he sees a dwarf sitting on the wall. " Hey u, would u like a drag of my cigerette" asks Yippee. But the dwarf ignores him and looks away. Yippee, insulted by the dwarf, walks up to him and slaps him across his face. But the dwarf does not react. Yippee is confused and his hand now hurts, still the dwarf says nothing.
The next morning Yippee, after having vigorous sex with his big breasted wife, whoose name is YEEHAARR, has a shower to clean himself off. And to his surprise in the shower is the strange little dwarf.
"Hey" exclaims Yippee, "Whatever are u doing in my shower??", but once more the dwarf ignores him. So Yippee kicks the dwarf in his tiny dwarf head, but the dwarf does not react.
Yippee then calls Yeehaarr into the shower and shouts "Do you know this dwark Yeehaarr???"
And Yehaarr replies "Oh my, yes, that dwarf is in fact a repetitve hallucination that you expierence on a daily basis due to a horrific car accident that u almost died in. You were drunk and killed a small boy who was innocently crossing the road. The dwarf is symbolic of your guilt and denial that will haunt u till the end of your days."

A man called YIPPEE is smoking a cigerette when he sees a dwarf sitting on the wall. " Hey u, would u like a drag of my cigerette" asks Yippee. But the dwarf ignores him and looks away. Yippee, insulted by the dwarf, walks up to him and slaps him across his face. But the dwarf does not react. Yippee is confused and his hand now hurts, still the dwarf says nothing.
The next morning Yippee, after having vigorous sex with his big breasted wife, whoose name is YEEHAARR, has a shower to clean himself off. And to his surprise in the shower is the strange little dwarf.
"Hey" exclaims Yippee, "Whatever are u doing in my shower??", but once more the dwarf ignores him. So Yippee kicks the dwarf in his tiny dwarf head, but the dwarf does not react.
Yippee then calls Yeehaarr into the shower and shouts "Do you know this dwark Yeehaarr???"
And Yehaarr replies "Oh my, yes, that dwarf is in fact a repetitve hallucination that you expierence on a daily basis due to a horrific car accident that u almost died in. You were drunk and killed a small boy who was innocently crossing the road. The dwarf is symbolic of your guilt and denial that will haunt u till the end of your days."

shame ya werent the boy.... :D

THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *******.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

A man called YIPPEE is smoking a cigerette when he sees a dwarf sitting on the wall. " Hey u, would u like a drag of my cigerette" asks Yippee. But the dwarf ignores him and looks away. Yippee, insulted by the dwarf, walks up to him and slaps him across his face. But the dwarf does not react. Yippee is confused and his hand now hurts, still the dwarf says nothing.
The next morning Yippee, after having vigorous sex with his big breasted wife, whoose name is YEEHAARR, has a shower to clean himself off. And to his surprise in the shower is the strange little dwarf.
"Hey" exclaims Yippee, "Whatever are u doing in my shower??", but once more the dwarf ignores him. So Yippee kicks the dwarf in his tiny dwarf head, but the dwarf does not react.
Yippee then calls Yeehaarr into the shower and shouts "Do you know this dwark Yeehaarr???"
And Yehaarr replies "Oh my, yes, that dwarf is in fact a repetitve hallucination that you expierence on a daily basis due to a horrific car accident that u almost died in. You were drunk and killed a small boy who was innocently crossing the road. The dwarf is symbolic of your guilt and denial that will haunt u till the end of your days."

LOL It was funny cuz it made no sense

Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Love it...keep 'em coming; this is one of the best threads going now. :D

Did you hear that God just kicked all of the gays out of heaven?

He caught them eating the prophets!

Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:

-----

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" - Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the "f" word....

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!"

(Nothing like a little moral superiority! Some people's grandchildren...)

Actual letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner

Dear Audrey,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an rear like
a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom.

And she's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's
totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as an aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole back door thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

Dave

man thats harsh but funny all the same. :cool:

What the report SAID (1), What the report MEANT (2)

(1) While on routine patrol...
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN- DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
(2) It was raining.

(1) This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
(2) It was too hot to ride in the car.

(1) I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
(2) The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

(1) Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(2) He puked on my uniform one night...

(1) The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
(2) I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

(1) While being arrested, this subject resisted arrest, and was injured in the act...
(2) He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirrored sunglasses...

(1) The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
(2) I wrote one citation for each swearword he used...

(1) Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
(2)The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

(1) The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
(2) I sent then to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post."

(1) I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
(2) She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

(1) The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
(2) I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

(1) Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
(2) It was my bowling night...

(1) The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech, was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
(2) He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

(1) Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
(2) My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

(1) The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
(2) I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather
about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all
the time...and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on
your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and
Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in
my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'" :cool: :D

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation . . .

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.

This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail".

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde) in the office down the hall from me.

She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked. "Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be), "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"

While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, ...."That's me before the operation."

Good ones! Keep 'em coming!! :D

Who is Nookie Green?
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.

That is your sin?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...

Those are your sins?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.

This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

Just a woman I know, Father.

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought.

They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.

Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Your losing your load
As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Types of Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

MIDEAST MYSTERY?
> >
> >
> > Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick
to
> > commit suicide. Let's see now:
> >
> > No Jesus, No Walmart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball,
No
> > football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties.
> >
> > No Home Depot.
> >
> > No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or
even
> > frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.
> >
> > More than one wife.
> >
> > Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy
> > next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
> >
> > Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
> >
> > No chocolate chip cookies.
> >
> > No Christmas.
> >
> > You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash
off
the
> > smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
> >
> > The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
> >
> > Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your
donkey,
> > But your donkey has a better disposition.
> >
> > Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
> >
> > I mean, really, "IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE" ??
> >

MIDEAST MYSTERY?
> >
> >
> > Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick
to
> > commit suicide. Let's see now:
> >
> > No Jesus, No Walmart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball,
No
> > football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties.
> >
> > No Home Depot.
> >
> > No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or
even
> > frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.
> >
> > More than one wife.
> >
> > Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy
> > next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
> >
> > Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
> >
> > No chocolate chip cookies.
> >
> > No Christmas.
> >
> > You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash
off
the
> > smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
> >
> > The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
> >
> > Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your
donkey,
> > But your donkey has a better disposition.
> >
> > Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
> >
> > I mean, really, "IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE" ??
> >

Hell, just reading it makes me wanna cry!! No football?!? :(

A man named Don thought of himself as the great white hunter, he decided to go into the woods and kill a bear. After a few hours, he spotted a small black bear and shot him dead. Immediatley a larger brown bear tapped him on the shoulder and said, " Ok, either i maul you to death or we have sex." Don thought about it for a moment and dropped his pants. After a few days he still couldn't forget about being ****ed in the ass by that bear and decided to hunt him down and kill him. He went back to the woods, found the bear, shot him dead, and raised his fist in triumph. A huge grizzly bear tapped him on the shoulder and said, " Don, you know what happens next, either i maul you to death or we have rough sex," Don swore and dropped his pants. A few days later, Don was still in rage, he loaded his gun, went back to the woods and waited for the grizz, shot him in the head and at last, thought " It's over! I got you mother****er!" A polar bear tapped Don on the shoulder and said, " Don, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Here's an important notice

Warning
Thought this was important information............
I hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey
and asks you to take your clothes off,
do not do it!
This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this
yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now...

>Weapons of Math Instruction: Public Bulletin
>
>
>At New York's Kennedy airport today, a person later discovered to be a
>public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
>possession of a ruler, a protractor, a drafting triangle, a compass, and a
>calculator.
>
>During a press conference the Attorney General said he believed the man was
>a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement and the FBI intends to charge
>him with transporting weapons of math instruction.
>
>"Al-Gebra is a fearsum, transverse cult," the Attorney General said. "As a
>group they seek means of average solutions by extremes, and sometimes
>randomly go off on tangents in search of absolute values. A member of
>al-Gebra may use acute alias such as 'x' or 'y' and refer to himself as an
>unknown identity, but we have determined that he is likely to belong to a
>common denominator -- the axis of medieval that coordinates in every
>country." The Attorney General continued, "Al-Gebra functions as a bunch of
>standard deviations that have been tribal since the time of Noah's arc," a
>remark that struck a chord with the media. "They are inordinate in
>terrorism, of that I'm abscissaly sure. They use degrees of irrational
>subtrahend to create differences and conditional inequalities among
>friendly, discriminant nations, leading to arguments and making us less
>functional and coefficient in attaining our goals. And they have the
>international mobility of a swarm of loci. Give them an air matrix to
>inflate and a plot to set it on, and they can live anywhere. If necessary,
>we will pursue them to the corners of this Earthly sphere."
>
>He complemented this with the supplementary remark, "As the Greek
>philanderer Isosceles once said, 'Never forget that there are three sides
>to every triangle, and sometimes two of them are normal.' " The Attorney
>General added, "As you can tell, I am not diagonally opposed to that prime
>concept."
>
>When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush obtusely said, "If God
>had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
>given us more fingers and toes. Next to bisectual marriages and those
>polygonists in Utah, I'm concerned about the significant places of such
>weapons. Tomorrow I intend to go to the hill and address Congruence about
>this situation. I have a volume of suggestions and a finite series of
>common solutions for them to consider."
>
>The President also warned, "These weapons of math instruction are without
>parallel and have the potential to decimal everything on a scalene never
>before seen unless we become exponents of an infinity Higher Power and
>begin to factor-in random facts of kindness. If we enter a phase in which
>all nations are integrated in all degrees of purpose, that steady state
>will give us slope for a better tomorrow, and we will all be infinitely
>better off. In such a case we could have our pi and eat it too."
>
>The President further declared, "I am gratified that we have been given a
>sine that al-Gebra is protracting this situation with calculusing
>disregard. Their murky statisticians plan to inflict plane of new
>dimensions on every sphere of influence," he added. "Under these
>circumferences, we must differentiate their roots, make our points, draw
>our lines, and proportionally intersect these people throughout whatever
>area of the domain they range. And, above all, we must make sure that they
>can't get their hands on radii active materials. That is one thing you can
>secant you? What we need is a higher quotient of linguists embedded with
>our troops so that they can interpolate the gibberish that al-Gebra uses to
>communicate. If we had that capability, we could periodically reach new
>limits of success as easily as falling off a natural log. Anything short of
>that could lead to some real, not imaginary, complex circumstances."
>
>The Secretary of Homeland Security added, "As our Great Leader would say,
>'Read my ellipse.' The one angle that I am uncertainty of is that although
>al-Gebra will probability try to continuously multiply in theorem, their
>days are numbered as we draw the hypotenuse ever tighter around their
>necks."

FACT OF THE DAY
>
>Something to think about on your next dream vacation......
>
>The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it
>ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360
>gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you wonder
>why the ocean is so salty... pass it on...

The Italian Goes to Detroit

One day, I'm gonna Detriot to a bigga hotel. Inna morning, I go down
to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress, I wanna two piss's toast. She
bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to
the toilet.

I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you
better not piss onna the plate, you sonna ma *****. I don't even know
the lady, and she call me sonna ma biitch.

Later, I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon and knife, but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She tella me
everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the
table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma biitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel, and there is no ****s onna my bed.
I call the manager, and tella him I wanna ****s. He tella me go to the
toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shhit on my bed. He say you
better not shhit onna the bed, you sonna ma biitch.

I go to check out, and the man at the desk say, "Peace to you." I say
"Piss onna you too, you sonna ma bittch."
I go back to Italy.

>>
>> Days Off
>> I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out
of
>> vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to
send me
>> home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out
>> and give me some time off.
>> I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down
from
>> the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde..it'll be
>> important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.
>> Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light
bulb."
>> A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
>> I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
>> You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
>> With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started
>> following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
>> I can't work in the dark," she said.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send John Kerry a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kerry opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Kerry was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to John Edwards. Edwards and his advisors had no clue either so they sent it to the Democratic National Committee. No one could solve it so it went to the National Education Association and then to MIT who sent it to Michael Dukakis who then sent it to Teddy Kennedy. Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled John Kerry back "Tell the Presidential
hopeful he is looking at the message upside down."

The Talking dog
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."

The Talking dog
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."

lmao
dats hill-fukin-larious

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she
couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio
was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say,
"Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!"
she'd
get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved
in time to avoid them.

"IDIOTS!" she yelled.

John Kerry came on and introduced the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie
Chicks...

Brian Hester invited his mother over for
dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but
keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Stephanie, was.


Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and
this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more
between Brian and Stephanie,
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I
are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to
Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she ook it, do
you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll
send her an e-mail just to be
sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you
"did" take the gravy ladle from
the house, I'm not saying that you "did not"
take the gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a
letter from his mother that read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Stephanie, and I'm
not saying that you "do not" sleep with
Stephanie. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

Brian Hester invited his mother over for
dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but
keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Stephanie, was.


Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and
this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more
between Brian and Stephanie,
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I
are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to
Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she ook it, do
you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll
send her an e-mail just to be
sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you
"did" take the gravy ladle from
the house, I'm not saying that you "did not"
take the gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a
letter from his mother that read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Stephanie, and I'm
not saying that you "do not" sleep with
Stephanie. But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

OUCH!!!!!! Very good :D

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
>
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,"What's your hurry?"
>
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
>
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
>
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
>
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
>
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger. Then, I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side, until I can get both hands inside. Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
>
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked.
>
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>
>
Traffic Ticket: $95.00, Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on the Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Nice! :D (oh, blah, blah, blah this message IS long enough!!!)

The Talking dog
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering
near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."

Haha....this **** is hilarious.

A young Blonde women decides that it is a beautful day to go ice fishing
Her father was an experienced ice fisherman so she simply gathered up all of his tools and equipment
Just as she begins to make a hole in the ice she heres a loud booming voice
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
startled she stands their for a few seconds
she decided to move a couple of yards down the ice and make a fishing hole
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
a bit spooked she moves even further down the ice
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
she looks up and yells
"Are you God"
the voice then yells back
"NO, IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK"

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
>
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,"What's your hurry?"
>
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
>
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
>
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
>
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
>
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger. Then, I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side, until I can get both hands inside. Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
>
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked.
>
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>
>
Traffic Ticket: $95.00, Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on the Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!!!!

hahahahahahah
now if only i wasnt so balls less
id say that to the next cop stops me

One day a young blonde woman decides to go to a carnival.

She visits a ventriloquist show and sits down.

The ventriloquist commences with his show and starts making blonde jokes with his dummy, carrying on about how blonde's are dumber than everyone else.

Towards the end of the show the young blonde stands up and says, "Hey buddy, Blondes are not dumber than everyone else! We are just as smart and intelligent as redheads and brunettes or anyone else! I am really offended!"

The ventriloquist says, "Well I'm sorry this wasn't supposed to offend you. This was just a show for entertainment purposes...I'm sorry."

The blonde replies, "Well I wasn't talking to you mister I was talking to that little prick on your knee!"

One day a young blonde woman decides to go to a carnival.

She visits a ventriloquist show and sits down.

The ventriloquist commences with his show and starts making blonde jokes with his dummy, carrying on about how blonde's are dumber than everyone else.

Towards the end of the show the young blonde stands up and says, "Hey buddy, Blondes are not dumber than everyone else! We are just as smart and intelligent as redheads and brunettes or anyone else! I am really offended!"

The ventriloquist says, "Well I'm sorry this wasn't supposed to offend you. This was just a show for entertainment purposes...I'm sorry."

The blonde replies, "Well I wasn't talking to you mister I was talking to that little prick on your knee!"

lmao
hahahahahahahhhaha
good one

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article
was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he
decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone
interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for
sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's... just
pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened
when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'"
" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then
looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F*ck me... is it
midnight already?"
:D

George W. Bush and John Kerry accidently wound up at the same barbershop at the same time.

As they sat in adjacent chairs, worked on by different barbers, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn into politics.

As the barbers each finished their haircuts, the one working on Kerry reached for some scented hair tonic to splash on, but Kerry quickly held up his hand, smiled, and said, "No thanks. My wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been gallivanting in a whorehouse.!"

Everyone in his entourage laughed.

The other barber turned to President Bush and said, " I suppose you don't want any tonic on your hair either."

Bush replied, "No go ahead. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like!"

Clinton returning from a trip to Arkansas was disembarking off of Airforce one. He was carrying a pig under each arm. A marine asked him, "Mr. President what is up with the pigs?"

Clinton replied, "Well I'll have you know that these are not pigs but rather geniune Arkansas Razor Back Hogs and I got one for Hilliary and one for Chelsea"

"Good trade Sir", replied the marine.

Definitions of Words by Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 and 1/2 min.

An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that
included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a
****tail reception, he found himself in a small group that included
personnel from both navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned
many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: "Why is
it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you
speak French?

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would
not have to speak German."

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said,"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse,"

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger
lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student , newly arrived at Montana State
University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conservation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping ; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Giving 100%???

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Sunday Morning Ritual

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

I totally agree. I have seen this in the work lace.

Giving 100%???

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bull**** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Redneck Rules of Etiquette


General

- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.



Dining Out

- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



Entertaining in your home

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything pre-
pared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.



Personal Hygiene

- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.



Dating (outside the family)

- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Redneck Rules of Etiquette


General

- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.



Dining Out

- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



Entertaining in your home

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything pre-
pared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.



Personal Hygiene

- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.



Dating (outside the family)

- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Very good! Living in Tenn. I'm surrounded by them (and HELL no I'm not one of them! :p ).....very funny stuff! :D

The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)

1. God is number one... and das' All.

2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.

3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.

4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.

5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!

7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.

9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.

10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

Redneck Test

This is a true test of your Southern-ness. This test really can't be cheated on, either you know it or you don't. The true southerner should achieve a minimum in the high teens.

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?

2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?

3) Bill Dance is good at what?

4) What university does Bill Dance root for?

5) Where did Herschel Walker play football (college)?

6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?

7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?

8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?

9) What is a chigger?

10) What is scrapple?

11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera?"

12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak tree?

13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, __________________.

14) What's the common name for a bowfin?

15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?

16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart?"

17) What are grits made out of?

18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?

19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?

20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?

21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?

22) What are the call letters for the radio station that carries "The
Grand Ol'Opry"?

23) Where would you grow those yellow onions?

24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?

25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play (typically)?

26) How many strings on a banjo (two possible aswers) ?

27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?

28) What is a scuppernong?

29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?

30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog?"

31) What color is your John Deere?

32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?

33) What do you harvest when you plant "shade"?


Each correct answer is worth 3 points. You get 1 point just for starting. Answers are below:


1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Vidalia, Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) 5
27) The same thing
28) A wild grape
29) Yes
30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
31) Green
32) Another trick animal-husbandry question. Mules are generally sterile.
33) Tobacco

country wisdom

Never name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences oughta' be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb. It's about how good you bounce.

Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is...she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal. It just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one...if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar...if you're in to catchin' flies.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go drinkin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel remark.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs. You'll get all muddy, and the pigs'll love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

The early bird gets the worm. But...the second mouse gets the cheese.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building.
There was a durn good reason for the move. You can't post: Thou Shalt Not Steal Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of Lawyers and Politicians. It just don't make sense.

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are.


We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:



1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.



2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.



3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?



4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. -- --

How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?



5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?



6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?



7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?



8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?




9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?



10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

O.K. -- all you smarties answer up!

Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it..........

...... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

Redneck Rules of Etiquette

Dating (outside the family)


lmao
dat **** is too funny
u should gte introble for **** this funny

CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili) Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili) Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili) Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic) Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili) Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili) Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

An airplane was captured by terrorists. When they checked out the passengers they found that only three Americans were on the flight, a West Virginian, a Californian and a Texan. The hijackers said, "We are known as the bravest and most compassionate of all terrorists, so before we tie your hands behind your back and shoot you in the head, we are going to grant you one last request."

The West Virginian says, "I always wondered if I could drink all those little bottles of booze on that cart the stewardess wheels around." The Terrorist told him to he would be allowed to try. The hijackers next asked the Californian if he had a last request.

The Californian replied, "Before you kill me I want all of us to share in this death experience together. I will tell everyone my life story. Share my hopes, fears and dreams and reflect on all I would have done if my life was not so tragically ended. We will all be able to then share as one in the experience of my death. The hijackers said he could.

Finally they asked the Texan for his last request. He instantly responded, "SHOOT ME BEFORE HE TELLS HIS STORY"

One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin, Boudreaux made a confession.

"We all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."

Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say, "We kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause we didn't wanna embarrass you".

Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and I got six munt to liv. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat yall wont let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge up dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together." Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend as asked.

Sho' nough, six munts later Beoudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes.

Fontenot was about to throw them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say.

"I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church" Fontenot admitted.

Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'....anyting, Make it rhyme."

Fontenot, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da swamp and say,

"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, if you liked women, You'd be here wit us."

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Virginia's Rocky Mountains all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy,"

He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife,Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn. Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One dayafter her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with.

Dear Redneck Son:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice.

It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a Pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.

Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Mom

PS I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

The Painting

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached! the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Jesus and the redneck


An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" ... ... The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back.He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" ... ... The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. .... He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. ...
How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He,too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

.... ... The waitress once more allowed as how it certainly was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." ... The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
... ... ... Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." ... The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, ... ... "Don't touch me... ...
I'm drawin' disability!"

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him."

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."

Frustrated, the mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Zeke answered, "Well, Clyde had two *******s."
"What!?" The disbelieving mortician asked, "He had TWO *******s?"

"Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two *******s.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say...
'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two *******s!'

A man boarded an airplane, and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his, and sat down. Eager to strike up a conversation with her, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned to him and smiled and said, "business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a convention for nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "what's your role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. " I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the southern redneck."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Choking Texan


Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo Burger too fast. The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought ta' help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan. The first Texan got up, hitched up his jeans and walked over to the lady. He asked, "Kin yew breathe?"

She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees!!

1) Don't order steak at Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours> a day, so let them cook something they know.

2) Don't laugh at southern peoples names. (Merleen, Bodie,Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari beth, Inex, etc.) These people have been known to beat a man's ass for less.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down south its called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else; its a Coke.

4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC. (LSU, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.) All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.

5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgement (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb, because we will kick your ass.

6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here.

7) Don't order wheat toast at Shoney's or Cracker Barrel.
Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.

8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will insight a riot.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home.

10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games. So don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.

11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners do understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go home.

12) Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our Bar-B-Q and go home in a pine box.

13) 'Nuff said.

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy Ray replied, "Shiiiiit!!! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats"!!

This is from Flesh Gordon 2: Flesh Meats the Cosmic Cheerleaders

Little Red Riding hood was walking home from school and took a shortcut through the dark forest. A wolf appeared and said
"Little girl, i'm gonna tear you limb from limb,"

Red took off her panties and said

"**** that ****, you're gonna eat me (out) just like the story says!"

Did you hear that yasser arafat died last night,and that the french
nurses dressed him in a newcastle united football shirt,spurs shorts and
lazio socks because he said he wanted to die in the gazza strip.
:D

a teacher in college is teaching human sexuality.

he starts the class asking to his students:

- who has sex everyday ? and a few students raise their arms

- who has sex 2 times a week ? a lot of guys raise their hands

-who has sex 1 time a month ? more guys raise their hands

and last , who has sex once a year ?

only one guy raise his hand , and start jumping around sayin "me , me , me" with a big smile.

the teacher ask him"why are you so crazy about it ? it s kind of sad "

and the dude answers "cause its TONIGHT!"

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are
just a few reasons why:
> >
> > A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to
ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
> >
> > If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it.
> >
> > She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more
interesting.
> >
> > A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give
a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
> >
> > Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get
away with it.
> >
> > Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
> >
> > They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
> >
> > A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't
care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends
won't betray her.
> >
> > Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 30. They always know.
> >
> > A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
> >
> > This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a
wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
> >
> > Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you
are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where
you stand with her.
> >
> > Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
> >
> > Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
> >
> > For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a
bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some
22-year-old waitress.
> >
> > Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.
> >
> > Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
> >
> > Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
> >
> > Thank you, Andy Rooney!!!

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone
>to work for the New York Times. His first assignment
>was to write a brief human interest story. An idea
>came to him and he returned to one of the most
>remote areas he knew of in his home state of
>Arkansas.
>
>Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and
>decided this would be a good place to start. He
>introduced himself to the back country farmer and
>explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer
>Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter
>asked the farmer what event in his life had made him
>the happiest?
>
>Farmer Mahon replied, One time a neighbor lost
>one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found
>it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the
>farmer that lost it.
>
>I can't print that, said the reporter, Is
>there another event that made you really happy?
>
>Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, Yep.
>One time the daughter of another local farmer got
>lost. She was a good-lookin young girl. We all
>formed a posse and found her. After all of us
>screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.
>
>Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the
>story and decided to take a different tack. He asked
>Farmer Mahon, Is there any event in your life
>that has made you really sad?
>
>Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, Well, I
>got lost once.

hahhahahhhaha

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
> >
> > The father , surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
> >
> > "Onions?"
> >
> > "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
> >
> > This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said."Mum, how many kinds of penises are there?"
> >
> > The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
> >
> > "A Christmas tree?"
> >
> > "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
>headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
>
>
>He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
>going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
>time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
>
>
>The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as
>it was still early, she decided to go the party.
>
>
>In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought
>she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
>she was not with him.
>
>
>She joined the party and soon spotted her husband the dance floor, dancing
>with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little
>kiss there.
>
>
>His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
>left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that
>had just arrived.
>
>
>She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
>Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
>off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
>
>
>Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put
>the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
>would make for his behavior.
>
>
>She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he
>had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
>when you're not there.
>
>
>Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
>
>
>He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
>I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and
>played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to
>the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees!!

1) Don't order steak at Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours> a day, so let them cook something they know.

2) Don't laugh at southern peoples names. (Merleen, Bodie,Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari beth, Inex, etc.) These people have been known to beat a man's ass for less.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down south its called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else; its a Coke.

4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC. (LSU, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.) All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.

5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgement (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb, because we will kick your ass.

6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here.

7) Don't order wheat toast at Shoney's or Cracker Barrel.
Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.

8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will insight a riot.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home.

10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games. So don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.

11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners do understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go home.

12) Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our Bar-B-Q and go home in a pine box.

13) 'Nuff said.

DAMN.....so accurate it's scary! Especially the part about "Coke"....so true! :D (AND putting sugar on grits is unnatural!!)

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are
just a few reasons why:
> >
> > A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to
ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
> >
> > If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it.
> >
> > She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more
interesting.
> >
> > A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give
a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
> >
> > Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get
away with it.
> >
> > Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
> >
> > They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
> >
> > A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't
care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends
won't betray her.
> >
> > Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 30. They always know.
> >
> > A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
> >
> > This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a
wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
> >
> > Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you
are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where
you stand with her.
> >
> > Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
> >
> > Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
> >
> > For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a
bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some
22-year-old waitress.
> >
> > Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.
> >
> > Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?
> >
> > Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
> >
> > Thank you, Andy Rooney!!!

Very good! :D

> > > Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose
> > > of fruits and veggies.
> > >
> > > Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
> > >
> > > Get plenty of exercise because exercise
> > > helps build your immune system.
> > >
> > > Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
> > > take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
> > >
> > > Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,
> > > keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
> > >
> > > Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
> > >
> > > Get plenty of rest.
> > >
> > > Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you
can.
> > >
> > >
> > > OR .... You can take the doctors office approach.
> > > Think about it, when you go for a shot,
> > > what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
> > > Why?...Because alcohol kills germs. So......
> > >
> > > I walk to the liquor store (exercise),
> > > I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
> > > celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies),
> > > drink on the bar patio (fresh air),
> > > get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress)
> > > and then pass out (rest).
> > > The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up
> > > flu germs can't get you!!!!

> > > Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose
> > > of fruits and veggies.
> > >
> > > Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
> > >
> > > Get plenty of exercise because exercise
> > > helps build your immune system.
> > >
> > > Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
> > > take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
> > >
> > > Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,
> > > keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
> > >
> > > Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
> > >
> > > Get plenty of rest.
> > >
> > > Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you
can.
> > >
> > >
> > > OR .... You can take the doctors office approach.
> > > Think about it, when you go for a shot,
> > > what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.
> > > Why?...Because alcohol kills germs. So......
> > >
> > > I walk to the liquor store (exercise),
> > > I put lime in my Corona (fruit),
> > > celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies),
> > > drink on the bar patio (fresh air),
> > > get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress)
> > > and then pass out (rest).
> > > The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up
> > > flu germs can't get you!!!!

good advice, better keep the alochol level up to avoid the flu...

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Opening Of The Clinton Library

10. "I'm sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over."

9. "A library in Arkansas--well, now I've seen everything."

8. "The hours are 9 to ???"

7. "This is the first presidential library I've seen with hourly rates."

6. "He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover."

5. "Don't forget to try the snack bar's impeachment cobbler."

4. "That concludes our ceremony--you're all invited to stay for ham hocks and moonshine."

3. "Damn, Bubba has a huge desk."

2. "It's the only presidential library with a ladies' night."

1. "Security to the front--Kerry is here sobbing again."

Top Ten John Kerry Excuses (David Letterman)

10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn't get flu shots.

9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots.

8. Maybe it wasn't best idea to begin speeches with "yo mama is so fat" jokes.

7. The endorsement from Osama Bin Laden didn't exactly help him.

6. "Dude--it's the Curse of the Bambino."

5. Should've campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico.

4. Turns out voters think it's hot that Cheney has a lesbian daughter.

3. Thought America was ready for a lunatic first lady.

2. Voters seem to really like a weak economy and a badly-run war.

1. Was distracted by late night erotic phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.

A guy walks into a bar and sees Bush and Cheney sitting in a corner.

He walks over to them and says,
"Hey, what are you two doing here?"

"We're plotting World War 3.", they say.

"World War 3? What're you gonna do?"

"We're gonna kill 10 million Arabs and a bicycle repair man."

"A bicycle repair man? Why?"

Bush turns to Cheney and says,
"See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Arabs."

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... and not succeeding.


Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.

What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew . .

A cowboy was herding his cows down a dirt road when suddenly a brand-new super large SUV came roaring down road. The driver, a goofy looking man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses, and an Armani tie, leans out the window and barks at the cowboy: "If I tell you exactly how many cows you have in your herd, will you give me a calf? I'm heading to a BBQ fund raiser in the city."
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously an overgrown rich yuppie, looks at his grazing herd, and calmly answers, "Sure. I'm always up for a good bet with a city slicker. Why not?"

With that, the man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. He then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. He prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, and finally turns to the cowboy and boastfully announces, "You have exactly 1586 cows."

"Fella, that's pretty damned close. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the man select one of the animals, and looks amused as the man stuffs it into the back of his huge expensive SUV.

Then the cowboy says to the man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give him back to me?" The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're that John Kerry fella, and you're one of them there politicians," says the cowboy.

"Wow! How did ya know that," replies the guy.

"Wasn't too darn hard, sonny," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here on my ranch, even though you weren't invited; you want to bet me for one of my animals for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked; you appear to be a rich fella showing off with all that high fillutin' hardware, but you ain't even willing to pay for my calf; and besides, you don't know nuthin' about my business and probably not much about anything ...but you act like you do 'cause someone's feeding ya all the answers."

"Now, give me back my dog".

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few Minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Poor John Kerry ...
He threw away someone else's medals.
He drives someone else's SUV.
He married someone else's wife.
And inherited someone else's money.
I think we should let him be President of someone else's country.

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie."

"Incredible" said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man.

"Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:

fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, teacher, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

David said "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and perform acts on him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him,

"Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Subject: The Nun.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1. You have to be single and
#2. You must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says. "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." Said the nun. "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish"
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with your ridiculous nubbin -- thus dooming your DNA!
My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush with a mixture of shame and desire!

My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob mighty harpoons at me!

If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely Marx's concept of the End of History would be nigh.

My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!

My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could fill every page of one of Ayn Rand's epic Objectivist tomes!

A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!

My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!

My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley's immortal poem "Ozymandias"!

If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be "Phantasmagoric Ode To Big Dong Number Five."!

Hemingway''''s lost book about my genitals began thusly: "His organ was big."

My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of confident, and impressively endowed men!

Tired Freudian references aside - your mother played my mighty skin flute like a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!

Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my zippered muse and wrote that appalling "Turn of the Century" that many have mistakenly referred to as a "novel"!

So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!

My genitals are comparable to Harvard University’s endowment - both are the largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are worthy.

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.
They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit ****. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like ****.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

Bush Stamp
The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President G. W. Bush to honor his achievements.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

After a month's testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

The stamp was in perfect order. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

People were spitting on the wrong side.

Q: What does Dubya have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What do you get when you give George Bush a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What is George Bush's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did George Bush wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and George Bush?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: How is George Bush like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.

Q: Why does Laura Bush think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and George Bush?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Who was the first Republican?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at George Bush?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: Why is George Bush the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.