--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bush, FPJ and Erap are talking about crime.
Bush: How is your PAROLE system over there?
FPJ: Oh, we hang them every Christmas.
ERAP: Pare, tama ka, ganon din ang sagot ko!

Erap and FPJ, on the way to Disneyland, see a sign that reads: "DISNEYLAND LEFT."
ERAP: Sayang, hindi natin naabutan.
FPJ: O nga, agahan na lang natin bukas.

KNOCK! KNOCK!
Mother Lily: Who's there?
Susan Roces: Effigy.
Mother Lily: Effigy who?
Susan Roces: Effigy is my husband.

Reporter: What political slogan will you attach to your initials "FPJ?" For Peace and Justice?
FPJ: No. "For Pareng Joseph!"

For love of country and to unite the opposition, Lacson has agreed to be the First Lady of FPJ.

Telephone survey conducted by the Bishops Conference:
"Iboboto n'yo ba si FPJ?
"If NO, press 1.
"If YES, press 68795632523162956752365922."

PAALALA lang po sa mga boboto kay FPJ:
Okay isulat sa balota ang POE o KING. Huwag lamang po ipagsabay, dahil malaswa ang: POE KING for PRESIDENT!

FPJ TO NPA: Sumuko na kayo.
NPA: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
FPJ: P$%#$na ninyo. TULOY ANG GYERA!

Wala nang atrasan para kay Ping! Hindi kayang pigilan
ni Danding, Noli at FPJ.
Abangan! Tuloy na ang pagkakandidato ni Ping sa 2004
Binibining Pilipinas!

NEWS BREAK!
Nagkasakit si FPJ sa kakaisip ng solusyon sa mga
problema ng Pilipinas.
LIBRENG SINE pa lang ang naiisip niya.

Erap wrote an order to the grocer:
"Please send me 2 goose."
Erap: Mali ata.
Sulat uli: "Please send me 2 gooses." Mm... mali rin a.
FPJ: Pare, ganito na lang ang isulat mo:
"Please send me 1 goose. P.S. - at isa pa!"

FPJ & Erap in a museum. (FPJ looking at a mummy)
FPJ: Pare, ano'ng ibig sabihin nitong 1300 B.C.?
Erap: Pare, yan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa
kanya.

i find this rather amusing.. no offense.. really.. i'm not a chauvinist, thank you.. (depensib masyado na ba)


Subterranean


Scene: 1996 Miss Universe pageant in Las Vegas.
Host Bob Goen introducing the candidates....

Bob: Please welcome, Miss Canada!
From the crowd, a voice screams "Subterranean!"

Bob: Please welcome, Miss France!
Voice: Subterranean!

Bob: Please welcome, Miss Italy!
Voice: Subterranean!
Bob: Please welcome, Miss India
(this time the voice was silent)

Bob: Please welcome, Miss USA
Voice: Suuuub-teeerranean! Yah-hoo!

Bob: Please welcome, Miss Zaire
(again the voice was silent)

At the intermission, Bob was really curious why
the
voice was
shouting "subterranean", so he dispatched a guard
to
fetch the
fellow and bring him backstage. They picked up
the guy
and he
turns out to be a Filipino who didn't speak
English.
So they got
an interpreter to ask the Pinoy why he was
shouting
"subterranean".

Sabi ng Pinoy, "Wala akong
sinasabing 'subterranean.'
Ang sabi ko, "sarap tirahin niyan"

Poeking for President! :D

FAMILY PROBLEMS

Two men met at a bar and stuck up a conversation.One of them kept on complaining of family problems.
Finally,the other man said:

"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation,
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter
and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became
my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her
father-in-law. Then, the daughter of my wife,my stepmother,
had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter
which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the
grand-father of my half-brother. This was nothing until my
wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my
stepmother, is also the grandmother.This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child,whose step-sister is my father's wife.!
I'm my stepmother's brother-in law, my wife is her own child's
aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I AM MY OWN GRANDFATHER
And you think you have family problems!!! Hey!!!!!

FAMILY PROBLEMS

Two men met at a bar and stuck up a conversation.One of them kept on complaining of family problems.
Finally,the other man said:

"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation,
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter
and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became
my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her
father-in-law. Then, the daughter of my wife,my stepmother,
had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter
which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the
grand-father of my half-brother. This was nothing until my
wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my
stepmother, is also the grandmother.This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child,whose step-sister is my father's wife.!
I'm my stepmother's brother-in law, my wife is her own child's
aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I AM MY OWN GRANDFATHER
And you think you have family problems!!! Hey!!!!!
Ha ha ha!!! :rofl:
Napakalaking problema nga nito, lalo na pag lumaki pa ang pamilya nila.
I was laughing so hard until I tried to understand everyone's relationship to one another and got dizzy in the process.
Magandang, este hilong umaga sainyong lahat!
Sus, iinom pa ako ng aspirin. :banghead:

Mga Bagong Salawikaing Pilipino
* Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
* Better late than pregnant.
* Behind the clouds are the other clouds.
* It's better to cheat than to repeat!
* Do unto others ... then run!!!
* Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
* Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa
bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.
* Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling
wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
* To err is human, to errs is humans.
* Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit
* Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
* Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang.
* No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
* Birds of the same feather that prays
together ... stays together.
* Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
* Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
* Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang
pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.
* Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
* Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
* Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
* Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment
* Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
* Better late than later.
* Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay
kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.
* Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
* No man is an island because time is gold.
* Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan.
* Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa!
* When it rains ... it floods.
* Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila.
* Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw,
minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
* Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
* Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
* Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.
* Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
* Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
* If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)
* An apple a day is too expensive.
* An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung ang garden mo'y sementado
* Aanhin pa ang damo kung bato na ang uso