Maiba naman tayo... lighter side of life muna...

---------------

The Damned Egg

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

Maiba naman tayo... lighter side of life muna...

---------------

The Damned Egg

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
hahaha... The englishman should be asking for the whole chicken.
I still need to look for some jokes to post in here though...

Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

The other man says "f@ck off, you're jokin aren't u?"

The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman"

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my *****."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"****" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

http://affiliates.allposters.com/link/redirect.asp?aid=733807&item=337452

nako naman!!! AMP!!!

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my *****."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

poor officer...:cop:

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"****" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

am maho!:tapedshut

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Life's Formula:

10 Painful things:

1.bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget
2.reminiscing the good times
3.trying to hide what you really feel
4.loving someone who loves another
5.having a commitment with someone that you know wouldnt last
6.shielding your heart to love somebody
7.loving a person too much
8.right love at the wrong time
9.taking the risk to fall in love again
10. bihis na bihis ka tapos hindi ka pala kasama


Customer: Waiter!! bakit ang tagal ng order ko?? ilan ang cook nyo dito??
Waiter: Ay, sir, wala pu kame cuk dito..Pipse lang..Pipse!!!


"hindi ka nababagay dito!!! dun ka nababagay sa mga taong palara!!! sa mga taong nakahiga sa pera!!!"
-- robin padilla

"witchil kez najojogay ditrax!! donchemas kez najojogay sa mga jutawsterz na sholarey!!! sa mga jutaw na naka jigazterz sa adez!!!"
-- rustom padilla



Graduation Day Speech:
tonight i am graduation, i invitation you all to eat our house because i know someday i will eat your house too. i will die five chickens, three girls and two boys to eat you all and i will ask my father to cook my mother.. thank you!!



Teacher: mga bata alam ba nyo na ang bawat butil ng bigas ng palay ay galing sa dugo at pawis ng mga magsasaka???
Mga bata: EEEWWWWWW!!!!


Apo: Lolo halina at bagong luto pa itong arroz caldo para makahigp po kayo ng sabaw para naman po mainitan ang sikmura nyo, halina po kayo lo!!
Lolo: **** OFF!!!!


Bob: nagkakamagkano ka sa isang araw???
Pulubi: naguumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na, naka P80 na ko
Bob: hindi na masama no?? ano mabibili mo dyan???
Pulubi: Puwede na itong isang espreso macchiato sa starbucks...

if only adam and eve were pinoy..
they would not commit original sin..
why??
they would ignore the fruit..
and instead..
Eat the snake..
PULUTAN ito!!!


Boy: sigurado ka bang akin yan pinagbubuntis mo???
Girl: oo naman!!! tatlo na ang tinanong ko hindi daw kanila!! ikaw na lang ang natitira kaya sigurado ako sa iyo talaga ito!!!


Lolo: apo buhatin mo ako
Apo: san ko po kayo dadalhin lolo?? sa CR po???
Lolo: hindi.. ipatong mo ako sa lola mo...


nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. akala ng nakakakita na naloloko na siya dahil wala naman siyang itinatanim.
Guard: Sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah..
Erap: Bobo!!! Seedless ito!!!


In a Mis Gay Pageant
Host: How can we uplift our economy today eventhough we are under economic crisis??
Gay: (namutla) Mga bakla!!! akala ko ba miss gay ito!!! quizbee pala!!!


Boy: Daddy?? how did i come into this world???
Dad: listen carefully. Mom and dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restroom of the cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. when dad finished uploading. we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus!!!


Waaahhh.. grabe yung kasabay ko sa jeep sigeng kiss!!! hindi na nahiya!! gusto pa ng girl, inalis pa yung bra kita talaga yung boobs nya!! bata pa yung girl.. totoo!!! pero mas bata yung guy!!!

6 months!!!



Pari nagmimisa: sino sa inyo ang may kagalit??
Taass kamay lahat pwera sa isang matandang babae
Pari: si lola lang ang walang kagalit... ano edad nyo lola??
Lola: 93 anyos.
Pari: tingnan nyo si lola.. 93 na pero walang kagalit!! Lola bakit wala kayong kagalit???
Lola: PATAY na ang mga WALANGHIYA!!!

Atty: Ano?? idedemanda mo boss mo ng sexual harrassment!!! dahil lang sa sinabihan kang mabango ang buhok mo!!!ano masama dun???
Girl: your honor, UNANO!!! ang boss ko.. UNANO!!!


Anak: tay penge pera, bili ako ng sucherya!!!
Tatay: umayos ka nga!!! kakahiya ka!! baka may makarinig. hindi sucherya tawag dun...
Anak: ano po??
Tatay: JUMPFUDS!!!


A pinoy in New York bumps into a blackman...
BLACKMAN: Hey, watch it!!! you mudda****a!!!
Pinoy: Gago ito ah!!! MADAFAKA RIN SANA!!! ngo ngo!!!


Tanong: Bakit hindi pwedeng magswimming ng sabay-sabay ang mga kalbo sa jacuzzi??
Sagot: Kasi magmumukha silang FISHBALLS!!!! hehehe


Classmate: bakit yung airplane kapag umikot ang elisi umangat sa lupa..yung electric fan hindi
Pedro: tanga ka pla eh!!! kasi yung electric fan may kurdon,, pinipigilan kaya yun!!!


Titser: who can give example of a tag question
Pupil: my teacher is beautiful, isn't she??
Titser: good!!! itagalog mo nga!!!!
Pupil: si mam ay maganda.. hindi naman d ba???


A father was trying to teach his son about the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curld up and died.
Father: all right son, what have you learned from the show???
Son: Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, hindi ka magkakabulate!!!!


Juana: Mare, sama ka sa paluwagan namin??? kulang na lang kami ng isa...
Jing: ayaw ko mare...
Juana: bakit naman???
Jing: ayaw ko... kasi virgin pa ako!!


INRITS YUR BOCABOLARY: by Manny Pacquiao
TACTICS: tunog ng orasan

PAYT: laban para sa Pinoy

TAYTOL: pamagat ng laban

JENGKEH: name ng dyowa niya

NO PEER: sponsor nya

MOTOR KID: pag-ikot niya sa Maynila

CHECK IN: manok sa McDo

CORRUPT: pagsara ng mata

BARIRA: nakalaban niya

WIT: timbang

WAWAWE: noontime show

DUET: gawin mo

L.A.: Leto Atsensya!!

QOUTES: tawag niya kay Freddie!!!

Si Juan ay asar na asar na sa kanyang buhay at nagtangkang magpakamatay. Umakyat siya sa pinakamataas na building. Nang marating niya ang edge ng rooftop, tumingin siya sa baba... "ang taas!!!!" sigay niya... nagdalawang isip siya at nagpray.. "Lord, itutuloy ko pa ba??? Please give me a sign" Pag-open niya ng eyes, nakita niya ang napakalaking billboard!!!

"Nike: Just do It!!!!"



Lalaki 1 : anong hayop ang in na in??
Lalaki 2: ano??
Lalaki 1: Bear...
Lalaki 2 : bakit bear??
Lalaki 1: kc OSO... pare OSO...
Lalaki 2 : ngehhh!!! mamatay ka sa kakornihan


Pare 1: Ang gara ng sapatos mo pare!!!
Pare 2: Sorpresa ng misis ko..
Pare 1: saan nabili??
Pare 2: ewan ko!!! nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama kaninang umaga, may medyas pa nga eh!!!


Host: ilang taon na kayo lolo??mananawagan ba kayo??
Lolo: opo, 98 na po...
Host: Wow, tanda niyo na pala... sige po manawagan na kayo..
Lolo: kuya, umuwi ka na.. hindi na galit si daddy sa yo!!!


In the middle of a baptismal rite, the bishop officiating said:
"ang lambot ng ulo ng bata"
The pretty mother replied:
"Father, dede ko yan!!!!"


Reporter: Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag congressman ka na???
Manny: Anong bill??yung tomotonog pagkatapos ng bawat round sa bukseng???


Isang araw, may isang Ponkan at isang apple sa loob ng ref.
Sabi ng apple.. WWWuuuu ang lammmeeegggg!!!
napasigaw si ponkan... wwwwaaahhhhh!!!!! nagsasalita yung mansanas!!!!


Speaker: who among you had experienced habing SEX with a ghost???
A farmer raised his hand.
Speaker: Really???!!! how does it feel to have sex with a ghost??
Farmer: ay puta!!! akala ko GOATS!!!

Klase ng mga mag-iinom
PASSAGE - mahilig mag-pass ng tagay
THE HIKER – palipat lipat ng puwesto, iwas tagay
THE MARTYR – nagpapanggap na kaya pa kahit senglot na
KID SENTI – madaming naaalala pag nakainom na
THE FUGITIVE - umuuwi ng walang paalam naglalahong parang bula
KUNG FU – KUNG FUmulutan malupet, tirador ng pulutan, ginagawang picnic
THE CHOSEN ONE – Official runner ng tindahan, bili yelo, yosi, alak
DEADMAN DRINKER – unang nalalasing
THE ORIGINALS – lage mong katagay
Ikaw??? Anong klase ka??


May nakikita sa akin sa dalampasigan…
"malungkot at nag-iisa"
Sabi niya..
" kung mahal mo siya bakit hindi mo ipadama"


Sumagot ako..
"A*** ka ba??? Naiwan ako sa outing!!!
Mahal ka dyan!!!!"


Lola: sino yang kasama mo??!!!
Apo: BF ko po!!!!
Lola: aba bata ka pa.. lumalandi ka na.. pasok sa loob!!! At ikaw lalaki…
"DONCHA WISH UR GELPREN WAS HOT LIKE ME.. DONCHA BABY!!!"


Friendship between Women: a woman did’nt come home one night, told husband that she had slept at her friends house. Husband called 10 of her friends but all said: " no she wasn’t here"

Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night, told wife he had slept at a buddy’s place. Wife called 10 of his friends, 8 of them confirmed he had slept over and 2 even claimed he was still there!!!...


Anak: tay wala na naman tayo ulam ah…
AMA: mahirap ngayon ang buhay anak.. tiis muna tayo, isipin mo na lang bawat subo mo na sasabihin ko ulam yun anak…
Anak: Sige tay!!!
AMA: nilagang baboy!!!
Anak: hhhmmmm.. sarap…
Ama: sisig na isda!!!
Anak: huhuhuhuhuh L
AMA: bakit ka umiyak!!!
Anak: ang anghang tay!!!

Tinanong ko ang lolo ko…
"masakit po ba talaga ang magmahal ng lubos??"
Ang sabi ni lolo,
"Apo, rich tayo.. ayos lang magmahal ang pulbos"


While on the Bus
Boy: I hate when i see a girl standing in a bus when i am comfortably seated
Girl: so what do u do?
Boy: i just close my eyes


Recharge
Recharge
Recharge
Sus dong!!! San ba si rofa???!!!!
-- Annabelle rama


I have a story
Meron isang lalake who rented a room, at nagtataka siya kung bakit maingay ang kabilang room kahit wala naman tao. Silip siya sa may butas, all he can see was red color.. Confused, he ask the janitor kung bakit ganun!!! Janitor explained Meron kasi namatay dyan na babae a year ago.. and one thing you can notice on her…
"SHE HAS RED EYES!!!"



Driver: Boy, iaatras ko yung jeep. tingnan mo kung babangga
Boy: Sige atras pa.. atras pa... atras pa...
BBBLLLAAAGGG!!!
Boy: Ok!!! bangga na!!!


"filipino class"
Guro: juan, magbigay ng pangungusap na may tayutay...
Juan: Ahem. " ang tatay ay nadapa.. Tayo tay!! tayo tay!!!"


There was a mommy fish who got separated from her baby fish...
When they saw each other again after a very long time..
the mommy fish said to the baby fish...

ISDA you?? :)



In a classy bar
German: waiter, REMY Martin, single!!!
French: Waiter, Carlo Rossi!!! double!!!
Pinoy: waiter, PoPOY Dimaunat!!! married!!!

PINOY SIGNS

Posted outside a house in Jaro, Iloilo :
HOURSE FOR RENT, FULLY FURNACED
(Boy, it must really be hot in there.)

On a glass window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan :
WE SHOOT YOU WHILE YOU WAIT

Posted at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
BAWAL OMEHI DITO, ANG MAHULI, BOG-BOG!

On the fence of a makeshift parking lot in Pasay :
PARKING PEE: P10

Printed on a streamer in front of a gym in Lucena City :
We Almost Have Complete Set of Gym Equipments
(Now, how's that for truth in advertising?)

In a supermarket in Baguio :
FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE

Outside a flower shop along Avenida Rizal:
WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS

In a bowling center in Congressional:
PARKING FOR COSTUMERS ONLY

In a restaurant in Cebu :
WE HAB SOP-DRINK IN CAN AN IN BATOL

On the glass wall of an eatery in Panay Avenue near National Bookstore (but this was a long time ago):
WANTED: WAITER, CASHIER, WASHIER

In San Andres, Manila :
NO URINATION ON THE OVER WALLS

In a classified ads section:
WANTED SALESLADY, 20-25 YEARS OLD, PROBABLY SINGLE

Outside a sari-sari store in front of Green Valley in Baguio :
NO CRIDET

In a building in Cubao:
NONE ID, NOTHING ENTRY

Outside a videoke bar in Pampanga:
WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE

The name of a laundry shop in Bo. Kapitolyo in Pasig :
CINNAVON

On the gate of a house in Tarlac:
COLD ICED BUKO 4 SALE

Posted outside a beauty shop in Laguna:
WE ALSO DO FULL BODY MESSAGE

In Tiaong, Quezon:
ROAN'S CONTRACTION SUPPLIES

Outside a shoe store in Pangasinan:
WE SELL IMPORTED ROBBER SHOES

In a restaurant in Baguio :
WANTED: BOY WAITRESS

Names of Philippine business establishments
If you still speak some Filipino, you might enjoy the humor; otherwise, pass it on to your Filipino-speaking friends. The humor gets lost in the translation

Bread Pitt is a a bakery.

Maruya Carey is a a fast-food place selling turon and maruya in Greenbelt , Makati

Caintacky Fried Chicken is a an eatery in Cainta, Rizal.

Mang Donald's is a a burger joint at the Naga City plaza.

Candies Be Love? Can anything be sweeter than this?

Doris Day and Night is a a 24-hour eatery.

Babalik Karinderia is obvious.

Holland Hopia is owned by Mr. Ho.
and next-door neighbor Poland Hopia is owned by Mr. Po. in Chinatown

Miki Mao is a a noodle house.

Tapsi Turbi is a a tapa house.

Cleopata's is a a manukan and bakahan.

Goto Heaven is obvious.

The Fried of Marikina is a a fried chicken house.

Wrap and Roll is a a lumpia outlet at the Quad, Makati .

Pansit ng taga-Malaboni is a a panciteria on Boni Avenue , Mandaluyong..

Side-saki is a a side street eatery beside Mandarin Oriental in Makati .

Let's Goat-Together is a kambingan-cum-beer garden.

Meating Place is a a meat shop.

Meatropolis is a another meat shop.

Isda best,
Pusit to the limit,
and Hipon coming back
are entrees on the menu of a seafood restaurant.

Cinna Von is a laundromat.

Pier Carding is a a tailoring shop in Pier, Manila .

The Way We Wear is a boutique.

Curl Up and Dye is a a beauty salon..

Goldilooks is a barber shop.

Bote Nga Sa 'Yo is a used bottle shop.

Goldirocks is a gravel and sand shop.

Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits is a video rental shop in Palawan .

Leon King is a Video Rental in Las Piñas.

Memory Drug is a clone of Mercury Drug.

Petal Attraction is a flower shop near UP Diliman.

Susan's Roses is a flower shop, but of course!

Maid to Order is a maid-placement agency.

Singalong Sing-along is a karaoke bar in Singalong (where else?).

Signs seen on jeepneys:
A commuter is a jeepsetter
Pull string to stop driver.
God knows Hudas not pay.
Don't get close to me, get close to God.


Bakit dahan-dahang binubuksan ni Pedro ang medicine cabinet??
Baka kase magising ang mga sleeping pills!!!


TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA?
BOY#1: Naglaba mam!
TITSER: Tama! Ano ang PRESENT TENSE?
BOY#2: Naglalaba!
TITSER: Tama! Ano naman ang FUTURE TENSE?
BOY#3: MAGSASAMPAY mam!


AMERICAN ENGLISH: Eat All You Can, don't be shy, feel at home!!!!
IN TAGALOG: kain lang kayo ng kain,walanghiya kayo, pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to! Gago!!!


MGA JOB TITLES NA DAPAT NANG PALITAN:
PRESIDENT- pasimuno.
VICE PRESIDENT- kunsitidor.
SECRETARY- palsipikador.
TREASURER- kubrador.
AUDITOR- kasabwat.
PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER- tsismoso.
REPRESENTATIVES- pahamak.
SPOKESMAN- bolero.
SGT-AT-ARMS- tirador.
ADVISER- taga sulsol. (mas tama di bah?)


Street Vendor: "bili na kayo relo!!! Goldwatch ito!!!"
Pag namuti, white gold!!!
Pag huminto, stopwatch!!!!


Juan: pare, nsusuka ko kaya lang hindi ako masuka.
Pedro: madali lang yun pare, sundot mo tonsil mo..
(sinundot ang tonsil)
Juan: hindi pa din eh
Pedro: try mo sundot puwet mo.
(sinundot ang pwet)
Juan: ayaw pa din eh..
Pedro: ngayon ska mo isundot ulit sa bibig mo.

Q: Anong apelyido ni Sisa?
A: Sisa Mistrit

Q: Anong apelyido ni Cedie?
A: Cedie Player

Q: Anong apleyido ni Beast?
A: Beast Kwit

Q: Anong first name ni Nemo?
A: Sarahgero Nemo

Q: Anong apelyido ni Punisher?
A: Punisher Ranno

Q: Anong apelyido ni Denzel?
A: Denzel Weta

Q: Anong apelyido ni Curly?
A: Curly Gazpi

Q: Ano last name ni Anchor?
A: Anchor Tis

Q: Ano last name ni Jewel?
A: Jewel Torre

Q: Ano last name ni Kula?
A: Kula Desma

Q: Ano surname ni Joseph?
A: Joseph Protgam

Q: Anong apelyido ni Aiko?
A: Aiko Zada

Q: Anong apelyido ni Christopher?
A: Christopher Minute

Q: Anong apelyido ni Palito?
A: Palito Lippi

Q: Anong first name ni Keno?
A: Krisa Keno

Q: Ano first name ni Janno?
A: Eduman Janno

Q: Ano first name ni Squall?
A: Piolopa Squall

Q: Ano first name ni Basilio?
A: Lacto Basilio

Q: Ano first name ni Pikachu?
A: Cherrypie Pikachu

Q: Ano first name ni Kenny G?
A: Johnep Kenny G

Q: ano ang first name ni Volta?
A: Johntra Volta

Q: Ano first name ni Diether?
A: Tirso Cruz Diether

Spelling can kill you. watch out:
Husband on an out of town assignment. sent a text to wife...
"Trip is wonderful!!! Am having a good time...
Wish you were Her!" :)


Boy: May I hold your hand?
Girl: No thanks, di naman siya heavy....


Guro: Benito, ako ay may limang mansanas sa kanang kamay at sampu sa kaliwa, samakatuwid, meron akong...
Benito: malalaking kamay ma'am!


In a petshop, customer talks to a parrot.
CUSTOMER: hoy!!! Can you talk ha??? Bobo!!!
PARROT: yes I can!!!! Ikaw? Can you fly ha? Can you fly? Gago!


Reporter: Mr. President. How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap : 16 !!
Reporter: Why ?
Erap : Because the priest says: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.


Maglalaro si Erap sa milyon milyon na? Game ka na ba?
Kris: ilang litro meron ang coke litro?
Erap: ang dali dali nyan! liter C, liter O, liter K, and liter E. may mas mahirap ba dyan?


Jinggoy: dad bakit ganun?
Erap: bakit?
Jinggoy: tinext ko yung asawa ko na padating na ko
Erap: o ano ngayon?
Jinggoy: pag uwi ko may kasama syang lalaki sa kama
Erap: baka hindi natanggap yung txt mo..


A couple at the wishing well.Husband leans over, made a wish and throws coin.
Wife made a wish, but leans too much, falls in and drowns.
Husband: "hala! bilis naman!"


Sa isang mumurahing airline.
STEWARDESS: sir, would you like some dinner??
PASSENGER: ano ba ang choices??
STEWARDESS: yes or no lang po!!

MISIS: hindi ko na kaya ito! Araw-araw na lang tayo nag-aaway! Mabuti pa, umalis na ko sa bahay na ito!
MISTER: ako rin sawang sawa na. Away dito away doon! Mabuti pa siguro sumama na ko sayo!


Girl: judge, ni rape po ako doon sa library.
Judge: aba lintik naman! Daming tao sa library di ka sumigaw?
Girl: di po, kasi merong sign na "SILENCE PLEASE."


A husband coming from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder.
WIFE: Did the priest tell you to be so romantic like dis?
HUSBAND: No, He told me to carry my cross.


ANAK: tay, may manok sa kusina. Tinutuka ang bigas mo.
TATAY: paalisin mo!
ANAK: oi, alis ka daw! ayaw umalis eh
TATAY: takutin mo!
ANAK: awoooooo manooook!! May mumu diyan!



"you never even thanked me for making you happy then you throw me away just like that. I hate you for using me, for making my life full of ****."

-tissue.



ERAP: honey, nagpintura ako ng banyo.
LOI: bakit dalawa ang suot mong jacket, ang init init.
ERAP: sabi kasi sa label ng pintura, for best results put on 2 coats.



"oo na pacquiao. People’s champ ka na. Pero tandaan mo kung may makapagpapadugo ng ilong mo, ako lang yun! Tanging ako lang!"

-english.



NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?


lumubog ang barko, patay lahat ng tao. Ita lang ang naiwan.
ITA: halika pating, kainin mo ko.
PATING: wag mo kong lokohin. Di ako tanga! Pusit ka!


A bored sadist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile, pyromaniac and masochist in a psychiatric ward.
SADIST: hey, why don’t we torture a cat?
ZOOPHILE: yeah! We’ll torture a cat then **** it!
MURDERER: we’ll torture it, **** it and them kill it!
NECROPHILE: we’ll torture it, **** it, kill it, and then **** it again!
PYROMANIAC: Yeah, then we’ll burn the cat!
[sudden silence.. Then all asked the masochist, "WHY don’t you say anything?"]
MASOCHIST: meow!

A sad story: a little boy was so jealous of his new born brother. So he put poison on the nipples of his mother. The next day, their driver died! Sad noh?

Pedro: ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute.
Leo: oh totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?
Pedro: dun sa burol niya!


Doctor: cge, pag nakapasa ka sa test ko na to, lalabas ka na.
Patient: cge!
Doctor: tumuloy ka sa ilaw ng flashlyt.
Patient: anu ako gago? Ayoko nga.
Doctor: mukhang magaling ka na nga, teka. Bat ayaw mong tumulay?
Patient: dok, mautak ako. Eh kung patayin mo ung flashlight, eh di nahulog ako!!!


Kapag nagyelo ang celfon mo, Alaska nasa ka.
Pag mainit ang celfon mo, nasa Africa ka na.
Pag naglangis, nasa Saudi ka na.
At pag nawala celfon mo, welcome to the Philippines!!!!


Pulis: Sino nakasaksi sa aksidente?
Tambay: ako sir! Kulay itim na van ang nakabangga.
Pulis: nakuha mo ba yung plate number?
Tambay: hindi sir, nkaturnilyo kasi.


PEDRO: Miss, pabili nga ng bolpen.
MISS: Sorry po sir, wala po kaming bolpen.
[Inis na lumabas si Pedro sa tindahan.
PEDRO: My God! Penshoppe walang bolpen! Haller!


Beggar: boss palimos po!
Student: iinom ka? mgsusugal o mgddroga?
Beggar: wala po akong bisyo.
Student: ok !!!!! sama ka skin pra malamn ng nanay ko ang nangyayari sa taong walang bisyo!!!!


Erap: isasauli ko tong nabili kong VHS tape.
Clerk: ano problema?
Erap: walang picture tsaka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata.
Clerk: Sir anong title?
Erap: head cleaner!!

love story ng pokpok at a***.
A***: Love, pakasal na tayo!!!!
POKPOK: ok lang ba syo??? May nkaraan ako eh!!!!
A***: ok lang honey, wala nmn akong kinabukasan eh!!!



"hindi lahat ng nakalipstick babae!"

-Ronald Mcdonald.



Teacher: what’s your name?

Pupil: early seven strikeland po!

Teacher: niloloko mo ba ko?

Pupil: hindi po, yan ang name ko sa inglis! Sa pilipino po, Agapito Hampaslupa.



a girl's prayer
dear God, thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me.
this time, I won;t ask anything for myself. please just give my parents a hot son-in-law! Amen!


a husband came home 4am and saw his wife in bed with another man.
his wife shouted at him: "where have you been?"
Husband: "Who's that man?"
Wife: "Ay grabe ka! don't change the topic!"


FPJ: pare cnong idol mo?
Erap: c arnold schwarzenegger.
FPJ: cge nga, spell schwarzenegger?
Erap: hnde, joke lng. Pare si Jet Li tlga idol ko!


Jun: I know the truth mom!
Mom: ha? Eto 500, wag ka maingay sa dad mo ha?
Jun: dad I know the truth!
Dad: ha? Eto 1000, wag ka maingay sa mom mo ha?
Jun: [hmm epektib to ah! Aha sa driver, masubukan!]
Jun: manong! Alam ko na ang katotohanan!
Driver: sa wakas! Yakapin mo ko anak!


Nanay: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang hindi mo kayang bilangin?
Anak: mas bobo si itay nay, kasi nadinig ko minsan sabi, "Tama na inday hanggang tatlo lang ang kaya ko"


Anak: Tays! Kains na tayos!!!
Ama: Gago!!! Tigilan mo ang kakalagay ng "s" sa salita mo!!! Ano ba ulam?
Anak: inigang na bangu na may ibuya at kamati… hmmmm… arap ng abaw!!!


Inday: koya, karamehan pala nakalebeng sa simintiryu…. GENAHASA!!!
Kuya: Pano mo nalaman???
Inday: eh kase, nakalagay sa lafeda nela… RIP!!!!


Girl: Doc, magpapacheckup po…
Doc: sige maghubad ka na ng panty at bra tapos mahiga ka na…
Girl: hindi po ako.. itong lola ko po…
Doc: sige Lola, hinga na lang ng malalim…


Logic 101

If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why practice???
Logic 102: nobody is perfect, I am nobody therefore im perfect…

a man was carrying 3 babies in a train.

lady sitting next asked. "are they ur babies?"

man: "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints!"



Doc talking to moms.

Mhilig ka s sweets so u named her CANDY.

Mahilig ka sa pera so u named him PENNY.

3rd mom tumayo, "Let's go D*CK bago tayo mainsulto dito!"



Patient: Dok, malungkot ako dito sa mental… kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang aking sarili…
Doctor: ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo??
Patient: aba.. ewan!!! Next week ko pa matatanggap eh!!!


Erap Bumbs foreigner
Erap: sorry!!!
Foreigner: sorry too!!
Erap: im sorry 3!!!
Foreigner: What your sorry for??
Erap: sorry 5!!!
Foreigner: sorry??? You're so sick!!!!
Erap: Sorry 7.. kala yata nito hindi ako marunong magbilang ah…


GF: Hon, pag hawak ko ang bote ng softdrinks na ito.. naaalala ko ang ex-BF ko…
BF: eh ako, kelan mo ako naaalala??
GF: kapag subo ko na ang STRAW!!!


Guro: ano ang dapat gawin kapag lumindol??
Pepito: buksan po ang ilaw!!!
Guro: Bakit?
Pepito: kasi po sa kubo naming madalas lumindol pag gabi… pero pagnagswitch ako ng ilaw biglang natigil…


Anak: Tay mag-ingat kayo sa DANK TRAK..
Tatay: anong dantrak??
Anak: yung pong trak na sampu ang gulong na karga buhangin…
Tatay: hindi dantrak yan… "TEN MILLER!!"


Teacher: Give me colors that begin with letter "M"
Pupil: Maroon!!!
Teacher: Anybody else??
Ngongo: Mlue, Mrawn, mlak, maiolet…
Teacher: Mery ngood!!!


Pedro: Galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing aid grabe ang linaw na ng pandinig ko
Juan: talga?! Magkano ang bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang…


In an anatomy exam, the teacher asks the class to draw a female reproductive organ… one girl feels shy and looks down….

Then a boy shouts…. "sir oh… may kodigo!!!"



PGMA: I am planning to STOP POVERTY and MASS STARVATION!!!
Erap: alam mo Gloria yung POVERTY madaling pigilin, pero ang MASTURBATION human rights violation yan!!!



It’s the sweetest thing to do.. do it in bed.. on couch… in the bathroom, or anywhere.. You must never stop doin it…

Its called PRAYER….

BF: sunduin kita mamaya,bubusina nalang ako sa kapag nasa harap na ng bahay nyo
GF: Ok sige, anong dala mong sasakyan
BF: Wala, busina lang


Juan: Pedro, nasaksak ako! Walang hinto ang agos ng dugo. Pls. call me a nurse!!!
Pedro: sige, you’re a nurse! Nurse ka juan!!! Nurse ka!! Nurse kaaaa!!!!


A mental patiend singing while lying in a hospital bed… after a song dumapa siya…
The nurse asked, "O bakit ka bumaliktad??
He answered… A*** ka ba??? Side B na kaya!!!


Sir: inday si sir mo ito.. nabangga ang kotse ko at I need cash
Inday: Aru! Dugo-dugo gang ka noh??
Sir: Gaga! Si sir mo ito!!!!
Inday: Gago!! Si sir ang tawag sa kin CUPCAKE!!!


Boy: Nakipag-away ako kanina
Ama: nagbibinata na anak ko ah.. Pero bakit???
Boy: eh, tinawag po kasi akong bakla!!! Hinampas ko nga ng shoulder bag ko yung mga chuva evers nay un!!! Hmpft!!!!


A husband and wife fighting
Wife: Inamo!!!
Husband: inamo rin!!!!
Wife: Tarantado!!!
Husband: tarandado Din!!!!
Wife: GaGo!!!
Husband: Gaga!!!
Wife: Supot!!!
Husband: yun nga lang!!!


Erap: Sumuko na kayo!!!!
MILF: Hindi kami susuko hanggat hindi mo naiispell ang "SURRENDER"!!!!
Erap: Tang-ina nyo!!! Tuloy ang laban!!!!


Boy: ang ganda ng ngipin mo, parang exams!!!
Girl: Bakit mo nasabi yan??
Boy: tingnan mo yung ngipin mo one seat apart!!!

Life's Formula:

10 Painful things:


10. bihis na bihis ka tapos hindi ka pala kasama



Buwahahahaha... same as washing your hands for how many times then hindi ka palaa kasali sa kainan... :lol1:

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents and the cow dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.

She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for
your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After
discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this
request.Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b256/Bobets/PB16.jpg

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b256/Bobets/PB16.jpg

bwahahahahahahahaha...may peboryt..pugad baboy.........

bwahahahahahahahaha...may peboryt..pugad baboy.........

dami sana akong collection ng pugad baboy galing sa news paper kaso nawala lahat gwang nakalimotan kung gumawa ng back-up file bago ako nag reformat...

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b256/Bobets/PB12.jpg

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b256/Bobets/PB.jpg

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b256/Bobets/PB13.jpg

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for microsoft Europe.

Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave he room.

MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than 100 people may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself ' I never managed anybody but myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.
500 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose?'
So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave.
498 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?'
So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says `Ano ba yan, dong?'

The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko, pare.'

Dear Sen. Trillanes,

We're disappointed that you decided not to try our superior services, not to mention our larger function rooms for your press conferences. You could have informed us that you needed tank-proof doors because we can easily make arrangements. We could also have thrown in some complimentary gas masks if you are planning for a longer standoff...err, stay.

Next time you're in the area, please remember Mandarin Oriental Hotel. We're a lot closer to the courthouse than the Peninsula.


Truly yours,

The Manager
Mandarin Oriental Hotel

Dear Sen. Trillanes,

We're disappointed that you decided not to try our superior services, not to mention our larger function rooms for your press conferences. You could have informed us that you needed tank-proof doors because we can easily make arrangements. We could also have thrown in some complimentary gas masks if you are planning for a longer standoff...err, stay.

Next time you're in the area, please remember Mandarin Oriental Hotel. We're a lot closer to the courthouse than the Peninsula.


Truly yours,

The Manager
Mandarin Oriental Hotel
LOL!!! Ha ha ha!!!::rofl:

Very funny. You just made my day, Bro!!!

buwahahahaha...

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the kid has a point... hahahaha

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idol ko talaga pugad baboy... :lol1:

1. Trulalu.

2. eklavu

3. eklavu.

4. trulalu

5. eklavu

6. trulalu

7. trulalu.

8. eklavu

9. trulalu

10. trulalu

-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz

>PARI: halika sa sulok

>MADRE: bakit po?

>PARI: sara mo pinto.

>MADRE: wag po!

>PARI: patayin mo ilaw!

>MADRE: diyos ko po!

>PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!

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