GhosT^x0
03-13-2003, 05:09 PM
Many of you have wondered where the **** this guy "The Jake" came from. Indeed, he did spring himself upon us rather quickly... and much like a case of the West Nile Fever, he's hit with fury. I'd like to take a moment out of my day to reveal to some of you, the side of The Jake I've come to know & appreciate. I was the best man in his wedding, the first familiar male face he saw when he got to this country, and the owner of his soul in Jiu Jitsu.... and now, I share with you... the man, the machine, the Jake.
Jake was born in a manger on his aborigini farm, circa 1976, in a suburb of Wherethe****arewe, Australia. At a young age, his father's business prospered, and Jake began working to help his father's business spring from an aborigini retreat to a full blown kangaroo farm. Bayou-side property is hot ****in commodity out there in Aussieland, and when the new farm was purchased, Jake's family had seen an all-time pinnacle to their success.
One sad, tragic day, Iraq invaded Australia in an attempt to expand their oil threshold. Jake's Bayou-front kangaroo shack was the first to be taken. In a viscious assault on his homeland, most of Jarrod's family was killed and violated (in that order) by a pack of ravenous pakistani gang-rapists, leaving only him and his father to salvage what they could of their desecrated kangaroo shack & move on.
Jake's father employed the help of his younger brother, Jimbo Bobbo, and soon Jimbo Bobbo and Jake's father Bobbo Knobbo were able to build their business back up to it's original prosperity. Through their hard work, sweat and tears, they soon came to the realization that both of them were flagrantly homosexual, and that they would put their business to the side in an effort to give Jakey-poo the proper upbringing he needed. Although it was considered that Jake might catch **** for having two dads when they put him into the public schooling system, they figured their support and love would be able to surpass and overcome an adversity presented by the misfortune of their situation.
Not so. As a matter of fact, it only worsened the situation. Jake became the ridicule of his entire school, and soon, his entire community when they found out that the most prestigious kangaroo slingers in the south were incestually bi-sexual with each other. Jake was ruined. Jake was absolutely ****ing screwed, to be more succinct. It was around this time Jakey-poo said "**** this, it's time to buy me one of them interweb machines, mate".
You know, cuz Australians say mate.
Jake thought he's found happiness when he got to the states, in his new girlyfriend Shara. Soon, they would be married, and I would be there to witness it. Little did Jakey poo know that Dave Hojak was plotting to take over Australia just like the Iraqi scumbags attempted to, and that Jake would be the lynchpin in said undertaking. As soon as Jake thought he was in the clear, and his wedding was over, Dave Hojak called him out by challenging him to a Deportation Match, wherein the loser gets deported to their respective country. Since Dave Hojak's respective country is the one he lives in, Jarrod was ****in screwed. Even being built like an ox from all the years of buttplowing and breeding roo's, Jake was unable to stop Hurrican Hojak, and tapped to a toehold at 46 seconds of the first round. With this, Jake was deported back to Australia, where he now lays.
I would get into my plan to take over some island no one even ****ing knows about in some corner of the world that the rest of civilization has been ignoring for centuries, but that's all inconsequential drivel in the scheme of things. Now that the Australia populous is distracted by the return of the son of the incestual bisexual daddy duo, Dave Hojak is free to continue his master plan. I hope I have shed light on the man behind the mystery, and in doing so, provided you all with a better understanding of why our friend The Jake can be so sensitive and feminine at times.
Thank you kindly. That is all.
x0
Jake was born in a manger on his aborigini farm, circa 1976, in a suburb of Wherethe****arewe, Australia. At a young age, his father's business prospered, and Jake began working to help his father's business spring from an aborigini retreat to a full blown kangaroo farm. Bayou-side property is hot ****in commodity out there in Aussieland, and when the new farm was purchased, Jake's family had seen an all-time pinnacle to their success.
One sad, tragic day, Iraq invaded Australia in an attempt to expand their oil threshold. Jake's Bayou-front kangaroo shack was the first to be taken. In a viscious assault on his homeland, most of Jarrod's family was killed and violated (in that order) by a pack of ravenous pakistani gang-rapists, leaving only him and his father to salvage what they could of their desecrated kangaroo shack & move on.
Jake's father employed the help of his younger brother, Jimbo Bobbo, and soon Jimbo Bobbo and Jake's father Bobbo Knobbo were able to build their business back up to it's original prosperity. Through their hard work, sweat and tears, they soon came to the realization that both of them were flagrantly homosexual, and that they would put their business to the side in an effort to give Jakey-poo the proper upbringing he needed. Although it was considered that Jake might catch **** for having two dads when they put him into the public schooling system, they figured their support and love would be able to surpass and overcome an adversity presented by the misfortune of their situation.
Not so. As a matter of fact, it only worsened the situation. Jake became the ridicule of his entire school, and soon, his entire community when they found out that the most prestigious kangaroo slingers in the south were incestually bi-sexual with each other. Jake was ruined. Jake was absolutely ****ing screwed, to be more succinct. It was around this time Jakey-poo said "**** this, it's time to buy me one of them interweb machines, mate".
You know, cuz Australians say mate.
Jake thought he's found happiness when he got to the states, in his new girlyfriend Shara. Soon, they would be married, and I would be there to witness it. Little did Jakey poo know that Dave Hojak was plotting to take over Australia just like the Iraqi scumbags attempted to, and that Jake would be the lynchpin in said undertaking. As soon as Jake thought he was in the clear, and his wedding was over, Dave Hojak called him out by challenging him to a Deportation Match, wherein the loser gets deported to their respective country. Since Dave Hojak's respective country is the one he lives in, Jarrod was ****in screwed. Even being built like an ox from all the years of buttplowing and breeding roo's, Jake was unable to stop Hurrican Hojak, and tapped to a toehold at 46 seconds of the first round. With this, Jake was deported back to Australia, where he now lays.
I would get into my plan to take over some island no one even ****ing knows about in some corner of the world that the rest of civilization has been ignoring for centuries, but that's all inconsequential drivel in the scheme of things. Now that the Australia populous is distracted by the return of the son of the incestual bisexual daddy duo, Dave Hojak is free to continue his master plan. I hope I have shed light on the man behind the mystery, and in doing so, provided you all with a better understanding of why our friend The Jake can be so sensitive and feminine at times.
Thank you kindly. That is all.
x0