As a young girl I had a wild first sexual experience. I was a horny teen. I didn't know much about men but I knew that I wanted sex. I wanted it badly.

As early as I can remember I had been masturbating. I would take all sorts of items and insert them inside my *****. I had a vast assortment of items that I would use. Mostly, they were smoothly textured bottles from various cosmetics and toiletries. Looking back, it seemed amazing that some of these product packages made it past the censors. They had bumps, ridges, and bulbous tips just like what I imagine a penis would look like.

When I reached high school, I joined the cheerleading squad. It was fun. We talked about boys and we got to see all of the guys in their uniforms. I was boy crazy and this was the place for me. After practice I would head home and go right to my room. When I was upstairs I would drop my lollipop pants and grab one of my bottles. I would screw myself silly thinking about the guys on the football squad. Sometimes I would imagine that they were sticking the football or a baseball bat inside me. I would fill myself up and rub my clit in a frenzy. I would come and come and come.

One day I tried to sneak into the boys locker room so that I could see some of the boys naked. I managed to get halfway into the locker room before I was caught. The athletic director happened to be leaving the side exit at the time. He knew exactly what I was trying to do. "Come with me young lady" he said. He dragged me to his office. "You have been very bad. I know exactly what you were trying to do".

"If you want to see a naked man, I'll show you a naked man" he explained. I knew that what he was going to do was very wrong but I didn't care. "I wanted to see a **** and I didn't care who it belonged to.". The athletic director was an older man and he wasn't very attractive but he seemed willing to show me his tool. I sat quietly thinking about what was happening while he angrily took off his pants. I couldn't believe it.

When he pulled down his boxer shorts I gasped. "Yeah! he explained. This **** is bigger than anything those little boys are packing". Now I have learned that indeed he did have a fairly large penis. My mistake is that I had been masturbating with much, much larger devices. Even the small deodorant can that I had been using was much larger than a man's penis. The full size shampoo bottle that I had been eagerly thrusting into my ***** was even bigger still.

I have spent my entire adult life disappointed.

Dear Penthouse

It was going to be a late day at the office. Our HTML directory had become mixed up with the sectors that control the server farm. We were sunk.

Becky and I would have to spend the entire evening loading 8 1/2 inch floppy disks into the hard drive. This was going to take forever. "What a *****" I exclaimed. Becky sat up straight in her airfoil office chair. "Not you" I said with a laugh "This assignment is going to take all night." I'll be up until 3 in the morning doing it.

"I wish I could have a man that would stay up until 3 in the morning doing it" Becky said. She was a heck of a tease. I told her that if she stayed here with me I would do my best to keep it going. Becky thought that would be fun. We quickly grabbed the bottle of French bourbon that I keep in my desk for late night work.

After a few drinks and few floppy disks had been magnafluxed we were having a good time. Becky wanted to talk about which of the office girls had the nicest breasts. Everyone in the office knew that Becky did. I guess she was just insecure. I told her that I thought she had the nicest breasts in the office. Becky asked if I wanted to see them. "I sure do" I said. Becky unbuttoned her blouse and let her breast free. They were fantastic. She was probably about 110 lbs and 36-24-42DD with Oreolas the size of a silver dollar.

Becky's long dark hair was sexy as well. She had undone her hair it was draping down by her chest. I love long haired women and Becky sure was beautiful. We started to kiss very passionately. Her tongue was exploring the inside of my mouth and it was really turning me on.

I started to undress Becky. I took off her panties, then her panty hose, her skirt, and then her belt. Finally, I removed her shoes and licked her toes while I did it. Becky was in full heat now. Her juicy ***** was waiting for me.

"Rub my cerebellum" Becky said. I did. I rubbed that moist knob until she really started to purr. Then I used my fingers to spread her uvula and put another finger inside her the walls of her angina. She was really ready for me now. I pulled out my **** and stuffed it inside her sugar walls. She really started to buck and moan as I drove her crazy. Her pleasure really set me off and I could feel the seaman rush through my corroded artery.

The next time I have to reboot a linux I hope that Cindy stays late with me again.

Dear Penthouse Forums
It had been a fairly boring party. I had drifted in and out of half a dozen conversations, discussions I'd had before and will have again. Then a tall redhead spoke the magic word "sex." My brain popped back into gear and I started to listen. The word "sex" had been preceded by the word "safe." She was arguing that anyone with a little imagination can still enjoy a casual encounter and remain safe.

I must admit that I was attracted by the idea. I hadn't had any encounters, casual or otherwise in entirely too long. I hung around and added my two cents to the topic. Soon Tracy was hanging on my words. "Would you like a refill?" I asked nodding at her drink. She would.

Soon Tracy and I were flirting away. I hoped that tonight would be our encounter. Toward the end of the night Tracy's girlfriends came by and asked if she wanted to leave. "Oh, Steve is going to take me home. You guys can go along" she said. It was an exciting way to let me know. My dick responded immediately.

On the ride home Tracy mentioned that she had something special in mind for me when we reached her place. When we got to her house Tracy excused herself to the bedroom to change. I sat and waited. When she returned she was wearing a hourglass black teddy. It looked fantastic against her fair skin and red hair. "I have something for you to wear" she said. "Put these on" she quipped in a fairly demanding tone. It caught me by surprise.

When I looked at what Tracy had handed me it appeared to be a pair of panties and some fishnet nylons. I looked at her quizzically and she repeated "Put them on". I figured I had nothing to lose I went into the bathroom and looked at these foreign objects. there were two fishnet nylon stocking and one red pair of pantied with what appeared to be three leg holes. .I put on the underwear first and my dick popped out of the center hole. I guess they were crotchless. The nylons I put on next. I have a lot of hair on my legs and they just looked stupid.

I felt like a total ass. I wasn't being humiliated so much as I had been disappointed. I was practically limp. In the other room Tracy said I looked "so pretty". It did nothing for me but I kept my mouth shut. Tracy started to play with herself. I asked if she needed any help and she said "Oh no, we are keeping our hands to ourselves".

Tracy laid down on the bed and exposed her sex to me. While she was masturbating she had me stand at the foot of the bed in my costume. Normally, I would consider watching a beautiful woman masturbate to be a very erotic moment. At this time I was merely confused. Whenever I would feel my penis getting hard I would look down at the poor fellow and see him popping out from the red lacy underthings he did not belong in.

Eventually, Tracy appeared to have enough of me and I certainly had enough of this. I gave her a peck on the cheek and left. She told me she would "never forget me".

I wanted to let Penthouse letters know that this woman is a total fruitcake and that any readers should just avoid her dumb sex game. Thanks in advance for publishing this warning.

Signed, Not Pretty in New York City.

Dear Penthouse

I'm twenty-five years old with black hair, brown eyes, a dark complexion and a 5" dick. I recently had a wild sexual experience that I would like to share with you. My girlfriend's friend was having a birthday party for her son. The friend knew that I owned a video camera and wanted to know if I would videotape the party. My girlfriend's friend Lori is thirty five years old and pretty good-looking, with a nice, large ass on her. That ass always gets me hard.

While my girlfriend was at work, I went to Lori's apartment to get paid. when I got there, she asked me to come into the bedroom so she could get the money for me. She sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for me to come closer. That's when Lori told me she didn't have the money but would be willing to compensate me in other ways. I asked, "In what other ways?" even though I already knew the answer to the question.

Lori smiled and pulled my shorts down-my **** popped out right in front of her face. She put my dick in her mouth and caressed my balls with her hand. As she sucked my dick, she took her clothes off while I removed my own.

Lori pulled my dick out of her mouth and said "I want you to **** my ***** from behind". She got on all fours and I started pumping her *****. Large asses like Lori's have always turned me on and seeing my **** disappear into her was great. She then surprised me by saying she wanted my dick up her ass. I asked if she had any lubricant and she said "Forget that ****. Just ram me with all you've got."

So into her ******* my **** slid. Lori squeezed my **** with her inner muscles. It felt wonderful. After some more humping she told me to tell her when I was ready to come. I told her it wasn't going to be long. I felt her start to rub her ***** so that she would come too. In a moment I could feel her body convulse with an orgasm. That was enough for me and I came as well.

After we lay on the bed for a while, I decided to head to the bathroom to clean up. My dick was covered with our love juices and it was time to clean them off. Boy did I regret that trip. It smelled like someone died in that ****house. Man, I can't believe the paint wasn't peeling off the walls. She must have taken a massive dump right before I arrived. Even the toilet was plugged with a wads of crap-stained toilet paper on the surface and possibly a huge turd underneath.

I started to breath out of my mouth so that I could last long enough to get out of there but I started to taste the wretched filth. I was trying to wash the funk off of my member when it all started to become too much. I wanted to puke. Actually, I didn't want to puke, the puke wanted to well up within me and spurt out of my mouth. I started to panic. Where was I going to hurl? I couldn't get any closer to that ****-can. It was the root of the problem. I had my dick hanging over the edge of the sink and I didn't want to puke on that. I grabbed for the waste basket. Immediately the vomit was looking for an exit and it found it.

I started to puke out of my mouth and nose. It was mostly the taco bell tacos I had eaten for lunch. I could feel the hard shells up in my sinuses as the vomit flowed into the waste bin. To make matters worse there was a wrapper for preparation-h suppositories in the basket. It is no wonder that chick didn't need lube.

I wiped off my face and dick and then left.

Signed, Quick Getaway in Haddaway, NJ.

You sir, are the funiest man alive.

CURLY is a damn funny poster

This thread gave me wood.

Curly..you are a genius

I am now sporting a savage steely.