Penthouse letters thread?

Rejected Letters to Penthouse

Dear Penthouse Letters,

I never thought it could happen to me, but boy was I wrong. I met this woman at the church picnic and she was very attractive. Father Mylar told me her name was Carol. All the men who were unmarried certainly noticed how attractive she was, so I figured I had to make my move. Seven months later we were married, and we had relations. Wow! It really can happen to anyone!

Married and Joyful, Hartford, CN


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Dear Penthouse Letters,

So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, ok? And like, I've had a few beers so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another beer and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing Vodka shots for the last hour, totally pissed off about some guy. So I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all smooth and introduce myself and she, like, totally digs me! Orders a couple more Vodka shots and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more shots later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we book, ok? We get a taxi and I'm checking her out and she's totally hot, ok? Legs, breasts, all that stuff. Really hot, ok? I mean really hot. Taxi lets us off at her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened.

How cool is that!

Mr. Hot, Portland, OR


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Dear Penthouse Letters,

I was home alone, flipping channels, when for some unknown reason, I began to watch Martha Stewart. And she's telling me how to make spice tins out of an orange rind and I start noticing how sexy she is. So she's there on the screen forcing those orange rinds onto pre-sized bottles, you know, to get the proper shape for the tin, and I'm getting all turned on! So I begin t touch myself as Martha bakes the rinds in the oven for 3 to 4 hours, until they're nice and hard. And sure enough, I'm all nice and hard. I start to think about what Martha would do in a situation like this, so I grab an old T-shirt or dust rag, you probably have them lying about the house, and pleasure myself right there in front of the TV, no mess at all!! Martha would totally be proud. Well, needless to say it was one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life! Just incredible.

Horny for Martha, Chicago, IL


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Dear Penthouse Letters,

My friend and I walked into a total lesbian bar the other night. We had no idea, but when we opened the door, there were all these scalding hot hotties. And they were all over each other! Man, I began to throb, let me tell you! So my friend turns to me and says "I bet these chicks just need a real man. They'd probably be all over us if we let them." He's a pretty smart guy, so I figured he was probably right. So I walk into the middle of the bar, get the attention of every hottie in the room (not difficult, it was pretty obvious they were into me, just like my friend said they'd be) and said "Hey girls! I know you guys think you're dykes and all, but I bet you'd love to have a real man! Who's up for it?"

Two months later, when I got out of traction, my friend told me he's pretty sure one or two of them really did seem interested in hitting on me, as opposed to just hitting me in the face. Too bad the other 40 or 50 dykes were so uppity about it. I might have had a threesome!!!

Almost Fully Healed, Bismark, ND

TTT!

BEST THREAD EVER!!! YAY! :)

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought your letters were real until something happened to me that I just had to share.

I was at the grocery store last night, nursing a deep craving for velveeta and tabouleh. I was standing impatiently in line at the register, paging through "O". Suddenly, I felt eyes on my body. I looked up and caught the intense stare of the bag boy, and felt a chill of pleasure down my spine.

"Paper or plastic?" he murmured, brushing a stray lock of dark hair from his eyes. His firm muscles bulged beneath his green Lund's apron.

"Paper... please!" I gasped, feeling my legs go weak. Did he know the power he had over me?

I managed to scribble out a check quickly, my face flushed with excitement. He took hold of the cart firmly and pushed it out the door, obviously expecting me to follow. To what, I could only imagine in my wildest fantasies... I paused only a second, my heart racing, before following him into the night.

I led him to my car and opened the trunk. He needed no prompting, believe me. He started thrusting the bags inside, pushing them in deep. I shuddered as I heard his breathing quicken and felt his pace increase. He slammed the trunk hard and I moaned in ecstasy.

I gave him a dollar and he thanked me quietly, a knowing gleam in his eye. On the way home, I smiled to myself as I realized I was out of cat food.

Penthouse, I hope you can print this letter.

Sincerely,
Jenni

Dear Penthouse forum...
I never thought it would happen to me. Oh my, last night was incredible. I never knew I could experience such elation for such an extended period of time, but now I know I can never get tired of it. At first I was a little scared, I mean, sure one person was great, it always is, but then more wanted to join in, and soon there were hands all over me. It was like there was a feast and I was the buffet. There were people of all sorts there (not like the licorice all-sorts, but we did to Jagermeister to loosen up), gay, straight, men, women, pierced and whole, tickleish and not, and what did they all want...? A piece of me. As soon as I let one touch it, they all wanted to. Some couldn't get enough. I tell you, my heart was pounding so hard at first, I thought I was going to pass out. But I relaxed into it very quickly and soon I was very comfortable with them and their fingers motioning. It got really intense when I was sure I felt five hands at once. I didn't know whose they were, dear Forum, and to tell you the truth, I didn't care. All I knew is it felt good and I didn't want it to stop.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Dear Penthouse forum...
I wanted to write a letter to The Forum to describe a unique Valentine’s Day experience I had. It was February 14th and some unattached friends and I were at a local bar. We were sharing a few drinks when I noticed an attractive blond woman at the bar. I am a fairly good looking guy and have had my share of eye contact in these types of situations. This woman was looking at me with a special kind of look.

I had enough liquid courage in me to introduce myself. It turns out Michelle was at the bar all alone. Wouldn’t I like to join her? Michelle looked to be in her mid twenties, with a slim figure and a firm chest. She was fair skinned and blond. She might even have been a real blond but I never care.

We found a table away from my drinking buddies. As soon as I sat down Michelle began with that casual contact that is so arousing. First she placed her hand on my knee, then touched my arm, then my face. Before I knew it, we were sharing a long passionate kiss. It was time to leave.

At her apartment, Michelle left me to open a bottle of wine while she slipped into something more comfortable. When she returned she was wearing a red teddy and thong. She looked fantastic! I couldn’t believe my luck. I held her firm, warm body against mine while we kissed. In a passionate embrace we made our way to the bedroom.

In the bedroom I laid her lithe frame on the bed while I removed my clothes. I was a little nervous while disrobing in front of her. She encouraged me by telling me how strong I looked. As I removed my shirt she told me she was eager to feel the heat of me on top of her. It was turning me on. I removed my shoes and socks, then my pants.

As I stood there in my boxer shorts, Michelle could see my manhood bulging away. I was as hard as I could be. I pulled down my underwear to expose my penis. As Michelle reached for it, my heart raced. Soon her warm hand touched its shaft. I ejaculated. My man juice coated the back of her wrist. Some even shot wildly forward and landed on her disappointed face.

Dear Penthouse forum...
I wanted to let you know about the sexiest woman I have ever met. I am now in my fifties and even though I met her thirty years ago the memory of her still haunts me. Before you dismiss this letter as outdated let me warn you that our sex was just as wild in the seventies as it is today.

I worked with Louise in a small office. The sexual revolution was in full swing then and Lou was always going braless. It used to drive me wild to see her great globes beneath the tight stretch material of her blouse. I used to imagine her breast where the two really fat elephants and her blouse was a circus tent that had collapsed. Damn if those fat elephants were trying to get out from under that blousy tent.

One time while masturbating I imagined that I was an elephant tamer and I was prodding and poking those elephants with my elephant tamer tool. I imagined that if I managed to free those fat elephants from that circus tent that I would give them a good hosing down. You know that elephants like to be washed down and Louise’s fat elephant breast would probably like it too.

One day we had a company outing at a park. Lou was wearing a pair of shorts and bikini top. Her stomach was flat. I remember it was really flat but not totally flat. In the 80’s I thought that the curve of my television screen was about as curved as Louise’s stomach. This was handy because I rented a lot of **** movies and whenever they zoomed in on the woman stomach I felt the curve of the screen and the stomach matched really well. It would get me very hot. I’ll never get one of those flat TV’s. I don’t care if the resolution is better.

Lou’s shorts were a little tight that day as well. She had a little camel toe going. I started to imagine that she had a whole circus going on. Finally I got enough courage and asked Lou out. It just happened that The Ringling Brother’s were in town. I succumbed to P.T. Barnum’s wild pitches and bought two tickets.

Lou and I started by going to the side-show. Back then they had real freeks. The bearded lady and the Siamese twins. It was great. I don’t think Lou liked it though. She did like the snake house. Once she even said “Look at the size of that one”.

When the show started Lou commented on how she thought they should let the elephants free. When Lou saw the camels she remarked that their toes were really interesting. I told her that if she didn’t stop with the dirty talk I was going to take her out to my custom van and give her a spanking on the waterbed. She agreed that a romp in the van was a great idea.

In the back of my 1972 econoline van Louise disrobed quickly. I was amazed at her beauty. Her breast weren’t like fat elephants at all. The skin was much smoother than I imagined. It was like they were made from two half bowling balls but they were the consistency of jell-o. I massaged those jell-o semispherical bowling balls while Louise moaned like a broken vacuum cleaner.

Soon Louise removed her shorts. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her pubic region. Louise was the first woman I had met that had neatly trimmed pubic hair. It was trimmed in sort of a rectangle. It looked like a farmer’s field looks from an airplane. I enjoyed slowly running my finger through it as if I were driving a miniature tractor, disking and planting the fields. I imagined that if she ever had got crabs someone could fly a miniature crop duster over the area and kill them off.

Louise couldn’t take my teasing any longer. “Please” she said, “I want you inside me”. I took of my pants and when I removed my underwear my erect penis bounced like a 8 foot length of molding when you remove it from rack at Home Depot. “It is gorgeous” she said. I sort of felt that way too. I had often thought of my penis as an Italian Sausage. Well Louise was as hungry for that Sausage as a Super Bowl fan after a few beers.

I put my sausage into her warm creamy center and started to rock back and forth. Soon, we were rocking like the old folks waiting for a table at a cracker barrel. Eventually I could feel Lou’s vaginal walls tighten up like a lawn mower that is trying to mow some really long wet grass. She really drove me over the edge. It was one of the best orgasms I ever had.

I’ll never forget that vixen.

Dear Penthouse forum...

I am a hard working guy. I have read your magazine for years and never thought I would be able to write. Now I can.

One of my customers comes in all the time. She is a professional cook and housekeeper. “Alice” is a real looker. She comes in the store wearing her little house dress. I have fancied Alice for a long time. I am little shy though, so at first I would just make sure she got the best cuts of meat at my butcher shop. It wasn’t much but if I saw a great rib roast come through I would save it for my Alice.

Finally, one day I got the courage to ask Alice on a date. It was nice. I was really nervous so I wore my best suit and arrived at the house where she lived. She lived with a family of 8. It was a little uncomfortable meeting them all but I got through it OK. Our date went just swell and I finished by kissing Alice on the cheek. I was really smitten. Alice was a nice girl and I was happy to be her sweetheart.

One day my girl Alice came in the store. She wouldn’t need a rib roast next week because the family would be in Hawaii. “Could You Bring Over A Hot Sausage Instead” Alice asked with a wink. I sure could.

After work on Friday I put on my bell-bottom jeans and my favorite plaid shirt and headed over. When I arrived Alice was wearing only her bloomers. She told me that she had a plan while her boss was away. Seeing her wearing next to nothing I was ready for anything.

Alice’s plan involved doing it in all of the beds in the house. We started with the bunk beds in the girls room, then we moved to the bunk beds in the boys room. Next we went in to her boss’s bedroom. They had an enormous bed. Alice said in her years working there she didn’t think they had ever used it for anything but reading and sleep. Alice thought her boss might be gay.

After we had soiled the sheets in the master bedroom we moved to the couch in the den. Making love in a two story room has always been a fantasy of mine. I told Alice it was just like being outside. Alice said she had more plans. Before I knew it, we were outside trying to fit in Tiger the dog’s house. Alice got down on all fours and tried to fit inside but I wouldn’t fit too. We had to settle for her sweet ass sticking out the door while I plugged her. Good thing they had a big fence around the back yard.

A couple of days later the Brady’s returned home and I haven’t seen that kind of action since.

Signed,

Sam The Butcher.

Dear Penthouse forum...
I live in Hollywood where I am one of the many out of work actors trying for his big break. Work is hard to come by out here. Without a good job, ***** is too.

One time I took a job cleaning pools. It was a good way to keep my tan and to see how the truly wealthy lived. Most of the time the people weren’t even home. I doubt they swam in the damn pool either but my paycheck cashed and I had free time for auditions.

One time I was cleaning a pool in the hills and the owner was around. She was an older woman, probably in her early 40’s. She looked pretty good for her age in a way that money helps. It was a hot day and I wasn’t wearing a shirt while I worked. She sat inside the house watching me. I first noticed her looking while I was getting chlorine she was in the kitchen looking out the window. Later when I was cleaning the bugs out of the filter I spotted her looking at me from the sun room.

After I had finished and before I left, she asked me if I wanted something cold to drink. I wanted something to drink alright. I agreed. I asked her if her husband was around. She said she was not married. She lived alone. I should have known, the place was as tidy as could be. It looked like Martha Stewart’s place.

My host asked if a number of clients come on to me. I told her that I had just started and that she was the first. “I am not coming onto you!” she stammered. She was embarrassed.

“I am sorry, I can go” I said.

“No, please stay.” She continued with “I am all alone”

I began to feel bad for her. She had obviously found success enough to afford this home yet she was still alone. I introduced myself as Jim. Her name was Tina.

Tina looked like an attractive woman. She was wearing white cotton pants, a long sleeve shirt, and white sneakers. She was very preppy and not really my type.

“It has been a long time since I have been with a man” She said. I didn’t know if it there had been women in the meantime or if she was trying to talk about her dry spell. I think she was alluding to a long bout of bad luck. I didn’t know what to say so I sat there silently.

“Do you think I am attractive Jim?” She asked.

“I do. I think you look very nice in your outfit” I said. Where the **** did I come up with that? Outfit? What was I thinking? Tina leaned over and started kissing me. It was a little awkward like a fifth grade spin the bottle kiss. She didn’t seem to know what she was doing. Soon though she opened her mouth a little and we explored each other with our tongues.

As we went down the hall to the bedroom Tina again said something about not being with someone in a long time. I didn’t know what to say so I just kept my mouth shut. Didn’t Ben Franklin once say it is better to keep your mouth shut and to be thought an idiot than to open it and not get laid? Either way I followed Tina to the bedroom.

I was already shirtless so I began to take off my shoes, socks, and pants. I was free-balling that day and I was very quickly naked. Tina gasped at my naked body. She was really staring at my penis.

I moved closer to her and started to remove her top. I tried to do this in a sensual way but it was a little clumsy. The neck of her top got stuck on her chin and for a while she looked like the loser in a hockey fight. While she was struggling to remove her top I noticed the wrinkled skin of her upper chest. I had only been with younger women at this point and this excess skin did not strike me as attractive. Soon her top was off and we were kissing again. I removed her bra. Fortunately, that went more smoothly. It wasn’t an Arthur Fonzarelli one-hander but it was close. Her breasts were small and fairly firm. I was very excited to touch them and she reacted positively.

I bent down to remove her pants. I gently nudged her to lay down on the bed while I wrestled her chinos off of her hips. I grabbed her panties at the same time and off it all went. I looked down to see what appeared to be 40 years worth of pubic hair growth. It looked as if a man with an afro had beat me to the cunnilingus portion of today’s event. I couldn’t believe the size of her bush. Damn, I thought, she needs to sleep with the guy that trims the ****ing hedges.

Regardless, I figured a woman like this was used to the best so I went down. It was a little uncomfortable with all of that hair but I managed to go under it and do my thing. She was very appreciative. So I guess it was worth it. Despite all of the strange things that I was experiencing my unit was ready to go. I slowly got on top of Tina and inserted my **** into her *****. She cooed and moaned that it felt so good. It did feel good. I did my best to make love to her in a sensual way despite the fact that I didn’t know a thing about her. I wondered if this is how gigolos feel. Eventually, it seemed that Tina had enough. I thought of something erotic and got myself off.

When I was done Tina told me “That was great” but not in a very convincing fashion. I left the house soon afterward and drove home. The next week the boss told me I was fired. He said it just wasn’t working out.

Signed,

Pool boy.

Wow, this is much better than clicking on a Saroth thread.

Originally posted by Tanner Rhoden
Wow, this is much better than clicking on a Saroth thread.

I should hope so, the difference between my posts and saroth's is the equivalent of distinguishing between dog **** and caviar!

hahaha, those rejected letters are funny as ****.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA CURLY FOR PREZ

:)

I'm pretty sure Tarantino wrote this one:

Dear Penthouse Letters,

So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, ok? And like, I've had a few beers so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another beer and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing Vodka shots for the last hour, totally pissed off about some guy. So I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all smooth and introduce myself and she, like, totally digs me! Orders a couple more Vodka shots and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more shots later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we book, ok? We get a taxi and I'm checking her out and she's totally hot, ok? Legs, breasts, all that stuff. Really hot, ok? I mean really hot. Taxi lets us off at her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened.

How cool is that!

Mr. Hot, Portland, OR

ok?

ttt

I'm pretty sure Tarantino wrote this one:

Dear Penthouse Letters,

So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, ok? And like, I've had a few beers so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another beer and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing Vodka shots for the last hour, totally pissed off about some guy. So I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all smooth and introduce myself and she, like, totally digs me! Orders a couple more Vodka shots and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more shots later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we book, ok? We get a taxi and I'm checking her out and she's totally hot, ok? Legs, breasts, all that stuff. Really hot, ok? I mean really hot. Taxi lets us off at her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened.

How cool is that!

Mr. Hot, Portland, ORNot cool.