The premise is pretty intense. It involves a lot of **** that's gone down lately that has pretty visibly ****ed with me, as my recent posts on this board might detail. It also involves a few things that have happened with me that I simply have not told one soul I know on here about... simply because it's hard enough to deal with it without the people I come to for a source pof positivity and inspiration helping me to relive it everytime I try to escape it for those brief intervals of solice.

My brother hung himself about 2 weeks ago. He battled a slew of mental and physical illnesses, things that plagued him daily. This came as a surprise to all of us... he'd been doing well as of late, recently attending college at UC Santa Barbara and getting on the path to a career, after battling through institutionalization and **** like that. He wasn't a blood brother... but when his father kicked him out of the house at a young age due to drug problems, my family took him in and helped him to clean up... my mother formally adopted him when we both were in our teens.

Burying him was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I always imagined our ten-year reunion to be something memorable, something we'd take with us through the next 20 - 30 years of being done with high school... instead, I got a 7-year reunion with half the people I gave a **** about over the dead body of one of their dearest friends, and the only person I've ever been able to technically call an older brother. It was very difficult. Been awhile since anything's made me cry like that. Delivering a eulogy for a brother is hard. I don't advise it unless it's absolutely necessary.

As I sat at the after-funeral reception (or whatever the **** that after-the-funeral party deal is called), eventually, we all got to talking about our current situations. The progression of our lives, the course of our paths, and the like. It wasn't long before Steven's biological father Joseph, a man I've said alarmingly little to, yet have known since I was a child, walked outside to the patio area where the conversation had turned towards everyone laughing at me as I made post-monogamy sentiments and jokingly made mysaelf the punchline of the baby's-mama-drama side of ****. Joseph laughed with us, got a few shots in, and retired back to the dining room, where the remainder of the guests passed through to say their goodbyes as they left. I went inside and sat down in the dining room. Joseph sat with me.

He asks me "When a man dies, what does he take with him?". I draw a complete blank on this... he tries to give me a hint. "2 things." Again, I draw a complete blank. I guess sushi. He laughs. He says "A man only takes two things with him when he dies... his happiness, and his unhappiness. How much of each is up to him."

I'm completely dumbfounded by this... I have no idea where this is coming from or why he's chosen to sit here and start up this conversation with me of all people. Or maybe I do, and I just don't want to read that far into it. He continues on to tell me that he's watching me focus more on my unhappiness with my situation in life (and at this point, I KNOW he's talking about the ex he heard me talking about), and that I am focusing less than I should on the happinesses that surround me. He tells me "Don't be unhappy with having to give this woman money or not being able to see your daughter... look forward to that one time every couple weeks and tell yourself 'I am grateful for this. This is the most that can be done, I will not break my balls over it.' This woman, she will lose more in the long run... she creates friction, she creates wind."

I have no idea where he's going at this point. It just went from happiness in life to wind. He clarifies.

"When you go through life sowing wind, it will come back on you. The storm is always calm before it's rage. She will think she's won over on you and the father of her other child. She will think she's getting by, she will think she has taken you. She will not see till it is too late that she's been losing all along. When you sow the wind, you will always reap the tempest."

*wham*

Wait..... a...... minute. What was..... that? This feels funny..... I don't think I've ever felt... oh wait... yes I have. That feeling... that's clarity. I just had me a god damn epiphony. Wow. Been a long time since I had one of these. I think I'm gonna sit here and let this one soak in... despite the crowd (literally) of people who have seemingly found their way into the dining room to sit with me and Joseph and now focused their attention on our conversation, as we barely even noticed the sound of a chair being scooted or someone sitting to join us.

I thanked Joseph sincerely for his time with me before I left that evening... it's been a long time since anyone has said anything fatherly to me... I lost the father Steven had in Joseph when I was very young. It's all such a poetic reminder of how we can find our brightest guidance in our darkest hour, to me at least. As we mourned the loss of a passing son, he was able to offer me insight as if I was one of his own. My eyes are more open than they've ever been regarding a situation they've been blind to all along. I've been looking at things horribly. Here I have spoken words that dictate my desire to live happily and move past it, but here I have also displayed actions with dictate something completely different, and maybe even indicate that I wish to remain miserable about things. I cannot do this any longer... with the divinity I feel I've gathered as a result of this conversation, I don't think I have it in me to be naive or blinded anymore.

What's startling is that many of you have advised against handling it so harshly.... and I completely overlooked your viewpoints as unneccessarily passive. I want to apologize for that, but I also want to scorn you all for not putting it like Steven's father did. So there, take that.

If you read this all, thanks.

total bummer about your brother dave. i'm glad you are now able to take these aweful situations and make light out of them. that takes a lot. i think i personally need to start down that path again.
wishin you the best and i hope things turn out good for you. hang in there man.
btw...sorry i didn't put it the way steven's father did.

Sounds like very good advice, Dave. Especially the part about her losing in the end. You know who's most important in all of this, so do what you can for her, and you will have made the most important difference. And thats really all that matters once you have a child.

All I can say is I'm sorry about your brother, and Thank You for sharing something so personal.

Ghost, we should train together again.. it would relax you..bring Dogg again.. I'll bring some of my friends.. we can wake up again to a nice morning of training if u like.. u know the adress.

Sorry guys, I can't understand all the post, my english is limited,could some of you meke me a resume, please? (Seriously)
I want to know all the text because I found some things very personals...I posted a tragic post a day and I recieved a lot of support of you...now I want do the same....and sorry about your brother Ghost...

sorry to hear this happened, dave. a loss is hard to deal with. i am glad to see that you are keeping your head up and making some sense of what the **** this whole life thing means. sometimes, we all need to wake up and understand what we got and what this all means and just be happy for it. my prayers are with you, bro. if you ever need to talk, you got my numbers.


matt- we need to roll again, i thought no more weekends for you?

For Leather,
La premisa es bastante intensa. Implica mucha mierda que es bajada recientemente que bastante ha jodido visiblemente con mí, cuando mis postes recientes en esta tabla quizás detallen. Implica también unos pocas cosas que han acontecido me con que yo simplemente no he dicho una alma que sé en aquí acerca de... simplemente porque duro deberá tratar bastante con lo sin la gente que vengo a para un positivity del pof de la fuente y la inspiración que ayudanme revivir everytime yo trato de escaparlo para esos intervalos breves de solice.



Mi hermano se colgó acerca de hace 2 semanas. El combatió un pantano de enfermedades mentales y físicas, las cosas que lo plagaron diariamente. Esto vino como una sorpresa a todos nosotros... él había estado haciendo bien al el colegio recientemente asistiendo tarde en Santa de UC Barbara y montándose el sendero a una carrera, después de combatir por institutionalization y a semejanza de mierda eso. El no era un hermano de sangre... pero cuando su padre lo pateó fuera de la casa en una edad joven debida para endrogar los problemas, mi familia lo tomó en y lo ayudó a limpiar... mi madre formalmente lo adoptó cuando nosotros ambos estaban en nuestros jóvenes.



Enterrarlo era la cosa más dura que he hecho en el mucho tiempo. Yo siempre me imaginé nuestra reunión de de diez años para ser algo memorable, algo nosotros tomaríamos con nosotros por el próximo 20 - 30 años de ser hecho con la preparatoria... en lugar, yo obtuve una reunión de de 7 años con la mitad la gente yo dí un jode acerca de sobre el cuerpo muerto de uno de sus más estimados amigos, y de la única persona yo he sido jamás capaz de llamar técnicamente a un hermano más viejo. Era muy difícil. Fue un rato desde que algo ha me hizo lloro como eso. Entregar un elogio para un hermano es duro. Yo no lo aviso a menos que sea absolutamente necesario.



Cuando yo me senté en el después recepción de funeral (o cualquier el jode que eso después el trato de partido de funeral sea llamado), eventualmente, todos llegamos a hablar acerca de nuestras situaciones actuales. La progresión de nuestro vive, el curso de nuestros senderos, y el que aprecia. Era poco tiempo antes padre biológico de Steven Joseph, un hombre que he dicho alarmar pequeño a, mas ha sabido desde que era un niño, caminado afuera al área del patio donde la conversación había girado hacia todos reír deme como yo hice a sentimientos de monogamia de poste y mysaelf en broma hecho el punchline del bebé' el lado del drama de mamá de s de mierda. Joseph reído con nosotros, obtuvo unos pocos disparos en, y en espalda jubilada al comedor, donde el resto de los huéspedes pasó por decir su goodbyes como ellos dejaron. Fui adentro y me senté en el comedor. Joseph se sentó con mí.



El me pregunta "Cuando un hombre muere, qué él toma con él?". Dibujo un blanco completo en esto... él trata de darme una insinuación. "2 cosas." Otra vez, yo dibujo un blanco completo. Adivino sushi. El ríe. El dice "UN hombre sólo toma dos cosas con él cuando él muere... su felicidad, y su desdicha. Cuánto de cada está hasta él."



Soy dejado sin hablar completamente por esto.. Yo no tengo la menor idea donde esto viene de o de por qué él es escogido para sentarse aquí y la arranque esta conversación con mí de toda persona. O quizá hago, y yo apenas no quiero leer que distante en lo. El continúa decir mí que él me mira enfoco más en mi desdicha con mi situación en la vida (y en este punto, yo SE que él habla acerca del ex él me oyó hablar acerca de), y que enfoco menos que yo debo en las felicidades que me rodean. El me dice "no es infeliz con tener que dar este dinero de mujer ni no es capaz de ver a su hija... espera con ansia que un tiempo cada semanas de la pareja y se dice 'estoy agradecido para esto. Esto es la mayoría que se puede hacer, yo no romperé mis pelotas sobre lo.' Esta mujer, ella perderá más en la período larga... ella crea la fricción, ella crea viento."



Yo no tengo la menor idea donde él va en este punto. Acaba de ir de la felicidad en la vida para enrollar. El clarifica.



"Cuando usted atraviesa viento de sembrar de vida, regresará en usted. La tempestad es siempre calma antes es la rabia. Ella pensará que ella es ganada sobre en usted y en el padre de ella otro niño. Ella pensará que ella obtiene por, ella pensará que ella lo ha tomado. Ella no verá hasta lo es demasiado tarde que ella ha estado perdiendo todo el tiempo. Cuándo usted siembra el viento, usted siempre cosechará la tempestad."



*Wham*



La espera. .... a. minuto de a. ..... ¿Qué era. .... eso? Esto se siente chistoso. .... Yo no pienso que tengo jamás fieltro... ah la espera... sí tengo. Ese sentir... eso es la claridad. Acabo de tener mí un dios maldice epiphony. Wow. Fue mucho tiempo desde que tuve uno de éstos. Pienso que soy gonna se sienta aquí y permitió esto uno empapa en... a pesar de la muchedumbre (literalmente) de gente que tiene funda aparentemente su manera en el comedor para sentarse con mí y con Joseph y ahora enfocó su atención en la conversación, cuando nosotros apenas advertimos aún que el sonido de una silla para ser salido o alguien sentar para unirnos.



Dí gracias Joseph sinceramente para su tiempo con mí antes yo dejé ese anochecer... es sido mucho tiempo desde que cualquiera ha dicho algo paternal a mí.. Perdí al padre Steven tuvo en Joseph cuando era muy joven. Es todo tal un recordatorio poético de cómo podemos encontrar nuestra guía más brillante en nuestra hora más oscura, a mí por lo menos. Cuando lloramos la pérdida de un hijo pasajero, él era capaz de ofrecerme penetración como si fuera uno de su propio. Los ojos están más abiertos que ellos han sido jamás considerando una situación ellos han sido ciego a todo el tiempo. He estado mirando las cosas horriblemente. Aquí he hablado palabras que dictan mi deseo para vivir felizmente y para mover pasado, pero aquí he demostrado también las acciones con dicta algo completamente diferente, y quizá indica aún que deseo permanecer miserable acerca de cosas. Yo no puedo hacer esto cualquier más largo... con la divinidad que yo me siento que he reunido como resultado de esta conversación, yo no pienso que yo lo tengo en mí ser ingenuo o cegado ya.



Qué asusta es que muchos de ustedes han aconsejado contra el manejolo tan duramente. ... y yo dejé pasar completamente sus puntos de vista como unneccessarily pasivo. Quiero disculparse para eso, pero para quiero también despreciar ustedes para no ponerlo aprecia a padre de que Steven hizo. Tan allí, toma eso.



Si usted leyó esto todo, Gracias.

that sucks ghost, sorry for your brother man

sorry ghost.hang in there man.just know that he is happy now.take comfort in that.
box banger, that was cool of you to do that for leather man.
how come it was so much longer in spanish?

that Joseph guy good stuff.

A lot of thanks Box...
Ghost, I say the same of my post: I'm sorry...
These words are very deep for me...Ive lost a couple of friends three months ago...Please Ghost , up your head and walk to the future, be strong guy...

I feel your pain brother. I still get this pain in my chest every time I think about grandma. Time heals all wounds though and the pain you feel from the loss of your brother and breaking up with your ex will be easier to deal with eventually. God speed.

Time will heal.

When the game is done, ill dedicate it to him.

Dave,

Sorry to hear that man. I hope you are ok.

We miss you bro.

- The Jake

hey dave its your sister very nice speech about steve very touching.... LOVE YOU

Sorry to hear that bro. Keep your head up.

-Tom