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“Fighting Words” – Dropping the (Crystal) Ball on 2012

by David P. Greisman

I know all that comes before it comes.

I am able to do this without the benefit of tarot cards, Ouija boards, Magic 8-Balls or modified DeLorean automobiles that can take me back to the future.

I knew, for example, that Timothy Bradley vs. Devon Alexander would not be an enjoyable fight. I chose not to tell anybody, thinking that it wasn’t my place, that my special ability could be used for far more bad than it could for good.

I’ll never make that mistake again.

Forget what Spider-Man’s uncle said. With great power comes great irresponsibility. I know what will occur in 2012, and this time I’ll be sure to share all.

Let us peer into the crystal ball for a preview of what is to come:

JANUARY

Snooki of “Jersey Shore” infamy will not only promote a boxing card in Atlantic City, but will also decide at the last moment to serve double duty by being the ring card girl, too. Boxing fans will breathe a collective sigh of relief that Oscar De La Hoya never followed through with such an idea during his fishnet and high heel-wearing era.

Teddy Atlas will find a way to tear into both Wladimir Klitschko and Manny Pacquiao on each of the first few episodes of this season of “Friday Night Fights.”

A heavyweight named Wadi Camacho will make his pro debut in the United Kingdom. Those in attendance will quickly realize it’s actually a grossly overweight Hector Camacho Jr. desperately in need of cash.

FEBRUARY

Top Rank will dispatch the most cunning plot seen in the United States since Watergate, hiring an operative to surreptitiously shave off Marco Antonio Rubio’s fantastic mustache, thereby theoretically robbing him of his power. Rubio will still defeat Chavez Jr., allowing the promoter to finally cash out on the kid by making him an opponent to Saul Alvarez.

Jimmy Lange, who lost in the preliminary rounds on the first season of “The Contender,” will fight in Northern Virginia and bring in more paying customers than several boxers who fought in main events last year on HBO, Showtime and pay-per-view.

Dereck Chisora will use the same line on Vitali Klitschko that he used last year on Robert Helenius, saying he plans on making love to him in the ring. Klitschko, recalling the poor scoring that gave Helenius a decision victory over Chisora, will retort: “Didn’t you already get screwed?”

Devon Alexander will take another controversial split decision, this one over Marcos Maidana.

Adrien Broner’s fight with Eloy Perez will get canceled at the last minute when Broner refuses to come to the ring because nobody brushed his hair.

Golden Boy Promotions and Top Rank will be at peace.

MARCH

Wladimir Klitschko will make Jean Marc Mormeck quit on his stool within the first half of their fight. Some lazy boxing writer will make a joke about the French and surrendering.

Orlando Salido will defeat Juan Manuel Lopez once again. Top Rank will start its campaign for a fight between Nonito Donaire and Orlando Salido, tentatively scheduled to take place in 2014.

Sergio Martinez will score a late stoppage over Matthew Macklin at Madison Square Garden. Seeking the key to successfully crossing over into the mainstream, he will “Tebow” at the end of each round.

During the post-fight press conference, Martinez will vent his frustration over the United States boxing scene. He will announce his intention to go on the road and face the various beltholders and contenders in Europe instead.

HBO, meanwhile, will be desperate to find a middleweight heir apparent and will momentarily consider luring Jermain Taylor away from Showtime.

APRIL

Oprah Winfrey will hand out world title belts as part of this year’s Oprah’s Favorite Things — “You get a title belt! And you get a title belt! You all get title belts!” — only to have the sanctioning bodies contact her with a cease and desist order for copying them.

Bored with a list of weak challengers, Wladimir Klitschko will announce that he will challenge The Undertaker in 2013 at WrestleMania 29.

Antonio Tarver will fight BJ Flores in a commentator vs. commentator feud that thankfully erases memories of all of the matches between Jim Ross and Michael Cole. On the undercard, Roy Jones Jr. and James Toney, now cruiserweights, will have a rematch of their 1994 super middleweight bout, with the winner facing the Tarver-Flores victor.

Golden Boy Promotions and Top Rank will be at war.

MAY

Sergio Martinez, seeking the key to successfully crossing over into the mainstream, will send out a nude photograph of himself via Twitter.

The New Jersey State Athletic Commission, running out of judges who can actually accurate judge a boxing match, will bring in the IBM supercomputer Watson. Conspiracy theorists will wonder how soon Al Haymon will hack the computer’s system to make sure that, no matter what, Watson has Paul Williams ahead.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. will say that he won’t fight Manny Pacquiao until he sees a birth certificate proving that Pacquiao is human. He will drop his demands after watching a replay of Pacquiao’s third bout with Juan Manuel Marquez.

JUNE

Gus Johnson will finally find a fight he can’t get excited about.

Lamont Peterson will defeat Amir Khan again. Immediately afterward, Timothy Bradley will call out Khan.

Following the lead of those burdened by other dictatorial regimes, a revolt against Jose Sulaiman will begin at the WBC.

Due to the beer company sponsoring that night’s card, California referee Ray Corona will temporarily change his name to Ray Tecate.

Golden Boy Promotions and Top Rank will be at peace.

JULY

Herman Cain will begin his next career, becoming a ring announcer. Unfortunately, he will get into trouble at his first card while trying to announce the country that Ruslan Chagaev is from.

Showtime will find the solution to low attendance at some of its “ShoBox” cards, organizing what comes to be known as the “Occupy Chumash Casino” movement.

Larry Merchant will send a letter to taunt the jailed Floyd Mayweather Jr.: “I wish I were your cell mate and I’d kick your ass.”

AUGUST

A Tour De France rider will test positive for using Juan Manuel Marquez’s urine as a performance-enhancing drug.

Evander Holyfield, still seeking one more heavyweight title shot, will finally realize what he must do to earn one — he will once again become a cruiserweight.

After a few “Celebrity Boxing” matches, Octomom gets ranked by the WBC. Jose Sulaiman and Nadya Suleman will enter a romantic relationship. The sanctioning body will issue title belts for each of her eight babies.

Golden Boy Promotions and Top Rank will be at war.

SEPTEMBER

Sergio Martinez will finally realize the key to successfully crossing over into the mainstream — he will marry a Kardashian sister.

Emboldened by last year’s box-office success, another movie about boxing robots will hit movie theaters in the United States — the Klitschko documentary.

After years of talk and many, many more months of negotiations, the super fight between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. will finally be signed. A month later, both fighters will suffer freak injuries — Mayweather will collapse due to being too sensitive for the size of his ego, while Pacquiao will be sidelined by a bad reaction to mixing Pacquiao Broccoli and Hennessy.

OCTOBER

Don King’s fighters will make their annual appearance.

Evander Holyfield will turn 50. Though the pleas for him to retire remain strong, his appearances in the ring still will not be anywhere near as sad to see as those involving Ric Flair.

Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. will agree on a rescheduled date of Dec. 22 — before the end of the year will be better for their respective tax liabilities. To promote the bout, Mayweather will join Pacquiao on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” for a duet of “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

Golden Boy Promotions and Top Rank will be at peace.

NOVEMBER

Lennox Lewis will finally make a prudent point on a boxing broadcast.

Kimbo Slice’s promoter will cash out on him, deciding to put him in the ring with a 72-year-old Chuck Norris. Physicists and philosophers will express their concern about what effect such a pairing could have on the fabric of our universe. However, skeptics will shrug off those concerns. If only they knew what was to come in December…
 
DECEMBER

As predicted by the Mayan calendar, the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012, shortly after Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao go face to face at their weigh-in.

The 10 Count, with sincere apologies, will actually truly return next week.

David P. Greisman is a member of the Boxing Writers Association of America. His weekly column, “Fighting Words,” appears every Monday on BoxingScene.com.

Follow David on Twitter at twitter.com/fightingwords2 or on Facebook at facebook.com/fightingwordsboxing, or send questions and comments to [email protected]

Tags:
User Comments and Feedback (Register For Free To Comment) Comment by Ringlife on 01-09-2012

This guy who wrote this was bored and I was bored reading it.

Comment by ghidra on 01-09-2012

I LOLed at the annual appearance of Don King's fighters. So true. So true.

Comment by shadeyfizzle on 01-09-2012

The whole jmm thing could end up being as big as the chuck norris jokes.

Comment by theocdog on 01-09-2012

"I wish I was your cellmate so I can kick your ass." Larry Merchant... So funny...

Comment by Val Head on 01-09-2012

got a little bit through it,got bored... not funny

Post a Comment/View More User Comments (11)
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